I know most of you have either heard me talk about it, read my status on facebook, or maybe you heard Tony say something about it at Crossroads.
I have decided to go over to India for one year to work with the organization, Open Arms for Asia.I don't have a specific date yet, but I will be going as soon as I raise all of the money I need. I'm thinking probably April or May-unless I decided to go to school next semester, then it will probably be May or June.
I have started working on my support letter to send out to family/friends, and will be soon looking into getting a passport, and vaccinations that I'll be needing.
Thinking about leaving all of my friends and my family here, and going over there to this completely different world, is a terrifying thing. Knowing that when I come back, I won't know where I'll be living, where I'll have a job, or where everyone I leave will be in their lives, is quite unsettling.However, the only thing I'm 100% sure about is that God is calling me to do this. And as long as I follow that call, everything else will fall into place, and I will return with a new, clear, perspective on life, hopefully having a passion and hunger for God like I've heard the kids over there have; a much bigger longing for God than I have probably ever experienced.
I want to come back and have others just feel God pouring out of me. I ask that you pray for me over the next few months, along with others who are considering going over there for a more short-term mission trip; for peace, clarity, and that God will provide all that I/we need so that I/we may be fully ready to venture over into the next part of my/our life.
If you want to know more, feel free to ask! I've pretty much been sleeping, eating, and breathing India for the last couple of weeks and would love nothing more than to sit down and talk about it with you. Thanks and God Bless.xo
**THIS IS NO WHERE NEAR THE DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF HOW I GOT TO THIS POINT AND/OR HOW I THINK MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE CHANGED. JUST A QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT TO START GETTING THE PRAYERS FLOWING. :) THERE WILL BE MUCH MORE TO COME!**
Friday, December 19, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Such is life.
God answered my call when i asked Him what I was supposed to be doing with my life...at least for now.
Although there's a long road of hard work ahead to get there, I can't wait to be giving up almost everything I have material-wise and going to a place where i have next to nothing, but yet will be gaining more than i could ever imagine by surrounding myself with the people and other disciples who love God and long for Him more than I can even fathom.
It's funny how once you decide to do what God wants instead of what you want, everything comes together..and you're presented with opportunities you would never usually think of on your own.
This is terrifying. I can't wait.
more details to come later.
Although there's a long road of hard work ahead to get there, I can't wait to be giving up almost everything I have material-wise and going to a place where i have next to nothing, but yet will be gaining more than i could ever imagine by surrounding myself with the people and other disciples who love God and long for Him more than I can even fathom.
It's funny how once you decide to do what God wants instead of what you want, everything comes together..and you're presented with opportunities you would never usually think of on your own.
This is terrifying. I can't wait.
more details to come later.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Things i've realized about myself and my life.
Last night, I was able to go to coffee with an amazing friend, and sister.
I realized a few things during that time and during the past couple of weeks:
1) I need time to myself. I need some nights where I don't hang out w/anyone, just to rest, read, go to bed early, and clear my head.
2) I care so much about what others think of me. I have problems saying "no" to people when they want me to do something because I feel like they won't like me as much or will get mad if i do. This being said, I need to fear God's perception of me. Not the peoples around me. If I give into sometihng because I feel guilty, I know I'm going to feel worse in the end, so that is something I need to work on (thanks Brooke, for pointing this out for me). If I spent as much time caring about what God was thinking about me, as I do caring about what others think about me, how would that alter my life?
3) I want to get back to the point where I want God, and ONLY God in my life, meaning I want to stop thinking that I need all these earthly and material possessions. I want to wake up, and go to bed thinking about God and how I honored him or could honor Him more, and all the time in between. I want to hunger for Him, and be desperate for Him to consume me.
4) I signed up for 12 hours in the prayer room this past 24/7 prayer week. I went to probably 2 of those hours and didn't get anything out of them because my heart wasn't in it. I just ended up talking to people or zoning our completely instead of getting on my face, asking God to fulfill me once again. I no longer will make excuses or find more "important" things to be doing.
5) I need, as Brooke calls them, "Jesus dates." At least once a week, I need to devote a certain amount of tmie to spending some extremely intimate, one-on-one time with Jesus. I want to be able to immerse myself in His word and spend time having deep conversations with Him.
6) Change can sometimes be good. I need to remember that and hold onto that when I'm afraid of something different happening than i'm used to.
7) Having a hard time deciphering if I should do what God is calling me to do, as opposed to losing some small, insignificant parts of my life, is a foolish thought, and I am ashamed that I would even consider choosing worldly things over God's plan for me.
8) I'm going to fast again starting next Sunday.
9) I want to play the piano more.
10) God has brought me to a spot where He is the center of my life. I used to think I only needed others who were "ahead" of me on their journey with God, making them the only ones I sought after, leaning on them completely and only using their guidance as the way for me to get through rough times. I didn't lose them. I still have them fully there as a support, as they are forever going to be my brothers and sisters. But now I am able to truly see where the healing begins through God (thank you, Brooke, for helping me see this).
11) I LOVE coffee and coffee "dates."
12) All of the good and bad that I've experienced have been the hugest blessings to me by bringing me to the point in life that I'm at now. Although this is a great thing, I do not want to, and will not live in the past.
13) I want to become an artist of some sort (random thought, I know...but it makes sense to me).
14) Family is an amazing thing. I need to embrace it with all I have. This is not just family that I'm born into, but the families I have become part of by gaining others, whom I love, in my life.
I'm sure there's more, but that's all I could come up with for now, while I'm waiting for 5pm to come around...
Feel free to leave some feedback.
xo
I realized a few things during that time and during the past couple of weeks:
1) I need time to myself. I need some nights where I don't hang out w/anyone, just to rest, read, go to bed early, and clear my head.
2) I care so much about what others think of me. I have problems saying "no" to people when they want me to do something because I feel like they won't like me as much or will get mad if i do. This being said, I need to fear God's perception of me. Not the peoples around me. If I give into sometihng because I feel guilty, I know I'm going to feel worse in the end, so that is something I need to work on (thanks Brooke, for pointing this out for me). If I spent as much time caring about what God was thinking about me, as I do caring about what others think about me, how would that alter my life?
3) I want to get back to the point where I want God, and ONLY God in my life, meaning I want to stop thinking that I need all these earthly and material possessions. I want to wake up, and go to bed thinking about God and how I honored him or could honor Him more, and all the time in between. I want to hunger for Him, and be desperate for Him to consume me.
4) I signed up for 12 hours in the prayer room this past 24/7 prayer week. I went to probably 2 of those hours and didn't get anything out of them because my heart wasn't in it. I just ended up talking to people or zoning our completely instead of getting on my face, asking God to fulfill me once again. I no longer will make excuses or find more "important" things to be doing.
5) I need, as Brooke calls them, "Jesus dates." At least once a week, I need to devote a certain amount of tmie to spending some extremely intimate, one-on-one time with Jesus. I want to be able to immerse myself in His word and spend time having deep conversations with Him.
6) Change can sometimes be good. I need to remember that and hold onto that when I'm afraid of something different happening than i'm used to.
7) Having a hard time deciphering if I should do what God is calling me to do, as opposed to losing some small, insignificant parts of my life, is a foolish thought, and I am ashamed that I would even consider choosing worldly things over God's plan for me.
8) I'm going to fast again starting next Sunday.
9) I want to play the piano more.
10) God has brought me to a spot where He is the center of my life. I used to think I only needed others who were "ahead" of me on their journey with God, making them the only ones I sought after, leaning on them completely and only using their guidance as the way for me to get through rough times. I didn't lose them. I still have them fully there as a support, as they are forever going to be my brothers and sisters. But now I am able to truly see where the healing begins through God (thank you, Brooke, for helping me see this).
11) I LOVE coffee and coffee "dates."
12) All of the good and bad that I've experienced have been the hugest blessings to me by bringing me to the point in life that I'm at now. Although this is a great thing, I do not want to, and will not live in the past.
13) I want to become an artist of some sort (random thought, I know...but it makes sense to me).
14) Family is an amazing thing. I need to embrace it with all I have. This is not just family that I'm born into, but the families I have become part of by gaining others, whom I love, in my life.
I'm sure there's more, but that's all I could come up with for now, while I'm waiting for 5pm to come around...
Feel free to leave some feedback.
xo
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Election Day
I've been sitting at my computer for the past hour, putting off going down to the polls to vote.
I know I probably should soon since if I wait much longer, I'll be in line for 2 hours or so.
But for some reason, as excited as I am for there to be a new President, I'm terrified.
Last election, I didn't get it. I wasn't nervous about who I would vote for, nor did I think that my vote really mattered.
Let me tell you, I have never been so stressed out when it came to a political election. This is huge, I know. I feel anxious and confused and nervous! I don't want to make the wrong decision.
What if I said that I thought both candidates weren't ready and that I didn't really want either of them to be President? Would that be wrong?
To be honest, I'm usually straight republican. If I hadn't paid attention at all, I would probably just go and vote for McCain without thinking. But because of the age I am, and with the way the U.S. has been the past few years, there needs to be a change. Apparently that's Obama's slogan. It's time for change. I agree. Our country needs help and healing.
I don't agree with Obama's stance on abortion. Not in any way. But on the other hand, I'm not sure that there would be much of a difference in our country if McCain won, and that would be awful.
Apparently both candidates are Christian. Obama was not born a Christian but found God in his 20's. McCain is a Christian too. Obama is great at speaking...so great that I'm afraid he knows how to say what we all want to hear, but would he follow thru with it? But what if I vote for McCain and not take the chance on Obama but nothing changes for us?
Can you see why I'm struggling? I'm not going to let one issue (like abortion) be the deciding factor for my decision, but it does stay in the back of my mind. A friend sent me a document with direct quotes on Obama's view of Faith and God and how that plays a role in how our country is going to be run. But if he thinks that's so important, why would he say it's ok to abort a baby up to 6 months after conception and then kill it if it survived the abortion? That's NOT what God intended for His children.
My head and my heart are heavy. Maybe my one vote won't matter, but this is a big thing for me.
It's 2:20pm right now, and I still don't know who I'm voting for.
I've talked to my mom a couple times and she just kept reminding me that no matter who I vote for, or who our new President will be, we will be answering to a Higher Power. No matter who wins this election, I think it is so important to pray for our future President, whether we voted for them or not.
God has the ultimate power, and is the ultimate decision maker, so why not trust that He knows what/who is right for our country.
I am convinced that if we can all pray for our country's leader(s), then God is going to lead them into doing what's right for us.
I won't be telling many people who I'm voting for, because it doesn't really matter.
Most people have voted by now, but I would just encourage you all to pray hard before voting, and trust in God's power over all of us, including the President.
I know I probably should soon since if I wait much longer, I'll be in line for 2 hours or so.
But for some reason, as excited as I am for there to be a new President, I'm terrified.
Last election, I didn't get it. I wasn't nervous about who I would vote for, nor did I think that my vote really mattered.
Let me tell you, I have never been so stressed out when it came to a political election. This is huge, I know. I feel anxious and confused and nervous! I don't want to make the wrong decision.
What if I said that I thought both candidates weren't ready and that I didn't really want either of them to be President? Would that be wrong?
To be honest, I'm usually straight republican. If I hadn't paid attention at all, I would probably just go and vote for McCain without thinking. But because of the age I am, and with the way the U.S. has been the past few years, there needs to be a change. Apparently that's Obama's slogan. It's time for change. I agree. Our country needs help and healing.
I don't agree with Obama's stance on abortion. Not in any way. But on the other hand, I'm not sure that there would be much of a difference in our country if McCain won, and that would be awful.
Apparently both candidates are Christian. Obama was not born a Christian but found God in his 20's. McCain is a Christian too. Obama is great at speaking...so great that I'm afraid he knows how to say what we all want to hear, but would he follow thru with it? But what if I vote for McCain and not take the chance on Obama but nothing changes for us?
Can you see why I'm struggling? I'm not going to let one issue (like abortion) be the deciding factor for my decision, but it does stay in the back of my mind. A friend sent me a document with direct quotes on Obama's view of Faith and God and how that plays a role in how our country is going to be run. But if he thinks that's so important, why would he say it's ok to abort a baby up to 6 months after conception and then kill it if it survived the abortion? That's NOT what God intended for His children.
My head and my heart are heavy. Maybe my one vote won't matter, but this is a big thing for me.
It's 2:20pm right now, and I still don't know who I'm voting for.
I've talked to my mom a couple times and she just kept reminding me that no matter who I vote for, or who our new President will be, we will be answering to a Higher Power. No matter who wins this election, I think it is so important to pray for our future President, whether we voted for them or not.
God has the ultimate power, and is the ultimate decision maker, so why not trust that He knows what/who is right for our country.
I am convinced that if we can all pray for our country's leader(s), then God is going to lead them into doing what's right for us.
I won't be telling many people who I'm voting for, because it doesn't really matter.
Most people have voted by now, but I would just encourage you all to pray hard before voting, and trust in God's power over all of us, including the President.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Hmm...where do I start?
I'm not sure if there are even any words to describe what my life has been like the past couple of weeks.
Joyful, upsetting, anxious, content, busy...ahhh.
I'm stressed about this election. I don't think either candidates are ready. But I agree and disagree with issues from both sides...so i'm kinda stuck. And I was thinking I was voting next week..not TOMORROW.
I have to go find some answers. I'll be back to write more later.
I'm not sure if there are even any words to describe what my life has been like the past couple of weeks.
Joyful, upsetting, anxious, content, busy...ahhh.
I'm stressed about this election. I don't think either candidates are ready. But I agree and disagree with issues from both sides...so i'm kinda stuck. And I was thinking I was voting next week..not TOMORROW.
I have to go find some answers. I'll be back to write more later.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Praise Him
I wasn't able to go to IHOP this weekend with Dana and Tammy.
It's ok though. I just figured it was God's way of saying there was something else I should do this weekend. Maybe nothing profound, but I'm sure I'll find enjoyment out of whatever I do.
I don't have anything spectacular to say today.
I'm exhausted and am getting over being sick, but still am in love with the days that are set out in front of me.
Leaves are EVERYWHERE. I just want to jump in them.
Tomorrow I think a nice breakfast somewhere and maybe the Fulton St. Farmer's Market and some housecleaning sounds good.
I've gotten to a new point in my life; a point I never thought I would be able to get to again. But I have.
I can't go into specifics. I've talked to a couple people about it, but I'm just still so amazed at the power of God working in me to make me whole again.
Praise Him.
Love to you all.
It's ok though. I just figured it was God's way of saying there was something else I should do this weekend. Maybe nothing profound, but I'm sure I'll find enjoyment out of whatever I do.
I don't have anything spectacular to say today.
I'm exhausted and am getting over being sick, but still am in love with the days that are set out in front of me.
Leaves are EVERYWHERE. I just want to jump in them.
Tomorrow I think a nice breakfast somewhere and maybe the Fulton St. Farmer's Market and some housecleaning sounds good.
I've gotten to a new point in my life; a point I never thought I would be able to get to again. But I have.
I can't go into specifics. I've talked to a couple people about it, but I'm just still so amazed at the power of God working in me to make me whole again.
Praise Him.
Love to you all.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
nightmares
Do you ever have one of those dreams where it's so screwed up and you wake up sweating and in a panic and think that something awful is going to happen to you and everyone you know?
I just had one of those, and I can't shake it off.
I just had one of those, and I can't shake it off.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Happy!!!!!!!
I am so happy.
So happy that God has come into my chaotic life and broke the chains.
So happy that I have real friendships/relationships with people...relationships that will last.
So happy that God has provided for me in more ways that I could ever imagine.
So happy that I have a God who is so faithful and will love me always until the end of my days.
So happy that I don't feel tied down to anything so that I may be free to live the life God has given me.
So happy for the new people I have met over the past couple of weeks.
So happy I have new opportunities coming my way; opportunities I could never even imagine having before.
This next weekend (thurs-sun) i'm going to IHOP in Kansas City with Dana and Tammy and possibly a couple others...this is something that I never thought would be a possibility for me or never even had the desire to go to before...but I can't wait.
I think once again God is going to reveal Himself full-force and once again my heart will be changed a little bit more.
Please pray for us.
Yay God.
I'm SO happy.
So happy that God has come into my chaotic life and broke the chains.
So happy that I have real friendships/relationships with people...relationships that will last.
So happy that God has provided for me in more ways that I could ever imagine.
So happy that I have a God who is so faithful and will love me always until the end of my days.
So happy that I don't feel tied down to anything so that I may be free to live the life God has given me.
So happy for the new people I have met over the past couple of weeks.
So happy I have new opportunities coming my way; opportunities I could never even imagine having before.
This next weekend (thurs-sun) i'm going to IHOP in Kansas City with Dana and Tammy and possibly a couple others...this is something that I never thought would be a possibility for me or never even had the desire to go to before...but I can't wait.
I think once again God is going to reveal Himself full-force and once again my heart will be changed a little bit more.
Please pray for us.
Yay God.
I'm SO happy.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
wow...
once again God proved Himself so very faithful.
After a few days of quietly struggling financially and wondering how I would pay some bills that are coming up, I finally gave up trying to find ideas and just gave it to God and prayed that He would somehow provide for me.
And He did.
David, my housemate, had gotten a couple pieces of mail for me so he gave them to me and one of the envelopes had my name and address typed out and there was no return address.
I opened it and wrapped up in a piece of paper was some money with a little paper that had "God Bless You" with a little heart typed on it.
No signature, no nothing. I have no idea who it was from or how they got my address or knew that I was in need.
So if it was you, and you're reading this, Thank You. From the bottom of my Heart.
God is so good!!!!
After a few days of quietly struggling financially and wondering how I would pay some bills that are coming up, I finally gave up trying to find ideas and just gave it to God and prayed that He would somehow provide for me.
And He did.
David, my housemate, had gotten a couple pieces of mail for me so he gave them to me and one of the envelopes had my name and address typed out and there was no return address.
I opened it and wrapped up in a piece of paper was some money with a little paper that had "God Bless You" with a little heart typed on it.
No signature, no nothing. I have no idea who it was from or how they got my address or knew that I was in need.
So if it was you, and you're reading this, Thank You. From the bottom of my Heart.
God is so good!!!!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
YES!!!
Isn't life just awesome?
Yeah...I'm pretty sure it is.
I am so blessed.
I just feel like dancing.
Monday, October 6, 2008
A quick thought...
Alex, Megan, Laura, Me, Meagan. Picture taken by Mentor, Sister, and Friend,
Sarah Jayne
This is a picture of my amazing small group that I was in on our college-aged retreat that we just had this past Friday-Saturday through Crossroads Bible Church. Another 24 hours with God where no words would do the outcome of this retreat justice.
I don't have time to go into detail right now about it...
I will quickly say though, that I've definitely realized the importance of having some REALLY good, close, deep friendships with other girls my age. I never thought that was important until now.
It is very clear God's hand was involved in putting us together; our similarities to each other based on our lives could not be described as a "coincidence" but "God."
The rest of this adventure with God will be saved for a later posting sometime this week probably.
I will quickly say though, that I've definitely realized the importance of having some REALLY good, close, deep friendships with other girls my age. I never thought that was important until now.
It is very clear God's hand was involved in putting us together; our similarities to each other based on our lives could not be described as a "coincidence" but "God."
The rest of this adventure with God will be saved for a later posting sometime this week probably.
xo
Veggies, Rice, Chicken and Family
As I sit here at my computer at 10:46pm on Monday night, I can't help but wonder if all of this miraculous growth that I've experienced over the last week will last.
I know it's a day-by-day thing. I have to lay it down before my Father every single day. There will never come a time that I can give something up one time and one time only, and have that be that and my life will be perfect. NO way.
I struggle because I've lived a life of questioning and not trusting, and paranoia for so long, this seems almost too good to be true and I still have such a hard time trusting....anything or anyone...that I feel like there must be a catch.
Is God really that good? So good that He would take away my emptiness and fill me up completely without having strings attached? I'm not questioning His faithfulness in any way.
I am still just completely astounded at His goodness and I can't help but think about how much I don't deserve any of it. Surely there are better people out there than me; people who have been better Christians; people who have loved more fully than I ever have and probably ever will be able to.
I almost feel bad for feeling so happy and at peace.
Last night, after fasting for exactly 168 hours, I ate my first meal in 7 days. I was given the honor of eating it with some of the interns at the BR. Brooke made an exquisit mix of rice, sauteed vegetables and this AMAZING chicken that I could probably eat everyday for the rest of my life (i forgot what it was called but something with coconut, lemon flavor, and some other goodness in it).
Afterwards, I wanted to try to help in some way to repay all these amazing people at the BR for traveling along with me through this journey so I decided to clean. They were so appreciative of it, but all they wanted was for me to just come and sit and just be with them.
Is this the way life is really supposed to be? Is this the way people who live their life for Christ really are? People just loving each other and not doing things because they expect something out of it, but because they really want to?
I felt 100% loved...do you know how good that feels?
Along with getting to spend time with my 2nd "family" (so i call them), I also found out some awesome information that gave me even more possible opportunities for my future; opportunities where I can fully praise God with every breath I take for the rest of my life.
At this point, there's nothing I would rather do than to get down on my face and pray to Him and worship Him every second I have.
I was so afraid that with 24/7 being done, I would fall back into my old emotions and lose sight of the awesomeness of God's grace and power...but so far I havent, and don't really think I will.
Just like Cassandra wrote to me during prayer last night, I feel like God really has put a new song in me. And if I could, I would sing it at the top of my lungs for as long as I could.
I can feel it so strongly and looking in the mirror everday, I can even see it. I no longer look dead or stare into empty eyes and hate what I see. I can see this person who is so filled with the Holy Spirit, it almost pours out of her because of the Glow.
This would not describe me 8 days ago...or any days previous to that. I am so RENEWED.
So back to my first question:
Is God really that good? Yup.
I know it's a day-by-day thing. I have to lay it down before my Father every single day. There will never come a time that I can give something up one time and one time only, and have that be that and my life will be perfect. NO way.
I struggle because I've lived a life of questioning and not trusting, and paranoia for so long, this seems almost too good to be true and I still have such a hard time trusting....anything or anyone...that I feel like there must be a catch.
Is God really that good? So good that He would take away my emptiness and fill me up completely without having strings attached? I'm not questioning His faithfulness in any way.
I am still just completely astounded at His goodness and I can't help but think about how much I don't deserve any of it. Surely there are better people out there than me; people who have been better Christians; people who have loved more fully than I ever have and probably ever will be able to.
I almost feel bad for feeling so happy and at peace.
Last night, after fasting for exactly 168 hours, I ate my first meal in 7 days. I was given the honor of eating it with some of the interns at the BR. Brooke made an exquisit mix of rice, sauteed vegetables and this AMAZING chicken that I could probably eat everyday for the rest of my life (i forgot what it was called but something with coconut, lemon flavor, and some other goodness in it).
Afterwards, I wanted to try to help in some way to repay all these amazing people at the BR for traveling along with me through this journey so I decided to clean. They were so appreciative of it, but all they wanted was for me to just come and sit and just be with them.
Is this the way life is really supposed to be? Is this the way people who live their life for Christ really are? People just loving each other and not doing things because they expect something out of it, but because they really want to?
I felt 100% loved...do you know how good that feels?
Along with getting to spend time with my 2nd "family" (so i call them), I also found out some awesome information that gave me even more possible opportunities for my future; opportunities where I can fully praise God with every breath I take for the rest of my life.
At this point, there's nothing I would rather do than to get down on my face and pray to Him and worship Him every second I have.
I was so afraid that with 24/7 being done, I would fall back into my old emotions and lose sight of the awesomeness of God's grace and power...but so far I havent, and don't really think I will.
Just like Cassandra wrote to me during prayer last night, I feel like God really has put a new song in me. And if I could, I would sing it at the top of my lungs for as long as I could.
I can feel it so strongly and looking in the mirror everday, I can even see it. I no longer look dead or stare into empty eyes and hate what I see. I can see this person who is so filled with the Holy Spirit, it almost pours out of her because of the Glow.
This would not describe me 8 days ago...or any days previous to that. I am so RENEWED.
So back to my first question:
Is God really that good? Yup.
Friday, October 3, 2008
It couldn't get any better than this...
Earlier this week I was talking to a few friends about how I am sick of doing things that I don't love and can't look forward to.
I didn't want to waste my life away and this included my current job situation.
I have been working at Malarky's on the east beltline as a server and have made NO money and have just been struggling so much.
Yesterday i asked my dear friend, Emma if her daycare was still hiring. They had called me a couple months ago for an interview but because of my schedule I couldn't go.
So yesterday afternoon I got a call from one of the head leaders of the daycare asking me to come in for an interview this morning at 10am.
I was able to have a couple hours of prayer last night and one of the things that I prayed for was for God to let me know where He wanted me to be. If this was the job I was supposed to have, then I would get it, if not, I wouldn't and I would keep waiting on Him to show me the path to go on.
I went to the first part of the interview this morning where I was asked about 20 questions (let me just tell you that I HATE interviews...i get SO nervous).
What was different about today though was that instead of trying to answer what I thought they would want to hear, I just was completely honest with them about everything and answered whole-heartedly.
After that, they asked me if I could stay a little bit because their second interview was to spend time in a couple of the classrooms and see how I interact with the children and other teachers/assistants.
I was in 2 classes with kids from ages 8 months-2 years and LOVED it.
When it was time for me to leave, they told me that Emma had spoken so highly of me before they were disappointed that I couldn't come in for the interview a couple months ago but they really liked me so they offered me the position and I start next week.
PRAISE GOD.
Last night I was saying how this week has been so amazing, that if I got this job, I don't think anything better could happen to me.
I am so thankful and blessed beyond belief.
I deserve none of this goodness coming to me.
I just wanted to share.
I am so filled with joy, all I want to do is jump around and dance and laugh the Holy Spirit laughter.
Tonight is the college retreat, and I think even MORE amazing things are going to happen.
God never ceases to amaze me.
xo
**THANK YOU EMMA FOR HELPING ME GET THIS AMAZING JOB!!!!!!**
I didn't want to waste my life away and this included my current job situation.
I have been working at Malarky's on the east beltline as a server and have made NO money and have just been struggling so much.
Yesterday i asked my dear friend, Emma if her daycare was still hiring. They had called me a couple months ago for an interview but because of my schedule I couldn't go.
So yesterday afternoon I got a call from one of the head leaders of the daycare asking me to come in for an interview this morning at 10am.
I was able to have a couple hours of prayer last night and one of the things that I prayed for was for God to let me know where He wanted me to be. If this was the job I was supposed to have, then I would get it, if not, I wouldn't and I would keep waiting on Him to show me the path to go on.
I went to the first part of the interview this morning where I was asked about 20 questions (let me just tell you that I HATE interviews...i get SO nervous).
What was different about today though was that instead of trying to answer what I thought they would want to hear, I just was completely honest with them about everything and answered whole-heartedly.
After that, they asked me if I could stay a little bit because their second interview was to spend time in a couple of the classrooms and see how I interact with the children and other teachers/assistants.
I was in 2 classes with kids from ages 8 months-2 years and LOVED it.
When it was time for me to leave, they told me that Emma had spoken so highly of me before they were disappointed that I couldn't come in for the interview a couple months ago but they really liked me so they offered me the position and I start next week.
PRAISE GOD.
Last night I was saying how this week has been so amazing, that if I got this job, I don't think anything better could happen to me.
I am so thankful and blessed beyond belief.
I deserve none of this goodness coming to me.
I just wanted to share.
I am so filled with joy, all I want to do is jump around and dance and laugh the Holy Spirit laughter.
Tonight is the college retreat, and I think even MORE amazing things are going to happen.
God never ceases to amaze me.
xo
**THANK YOU EMMA FOR HELPING ME GET THIS AMAZING JOB!!!!!!**
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My Testimony
Tony asked me to write a little bit of my testimony from this past week of 24/7 prayer...so I did, and I thought I would put it up on my blog as well since I am just SO EXCITED and filled with so much JOY. Some of it is a repeat from my post below but that's just because I copied and pasted.
Reading over what I had written, I realized that this was not me writing my testimony, but God, Himself, revealing His Awesomeness, Faithfulness, and Love through these words.
I am COMPLETELY transformed:
Reading over what I had written, I realized that this was not me writing my testimony, but God, Himself, revealing His Awesomeness, Faithfulness, and Love through these words.
I am COMPLETELY transformed:
Coming into this week of 24/7 prayer, I was so lost. My emotions were running wild, my commitment to Christ was wavering back and forth, and I was completely on the verge of giving up on thinking that God had something amazing planned for my life.
I had no idea that He had something planned for this week of prayer and I had no way to prepare for it.
It started off this past Sunday at Crossroads; Rod’s first Sunday back after being in
Over the past few months, I had been dealing with so much loss and was so emotionally distraught, and had some hostile feelings toward certain people; people I didn’t even know. I had been so unhappy and discontent and felt dead and empty almost every single day that I woke up, it was getting unbearable.
That Sunday night,
I went into community prayer that night feeling so unsettled and discontent. I had had enough, so I just cried out to God to make me clean and give me a taste of the living water because I was so sick of this horrible way of life that just got in between my relationship with Him. I wanted to make things right with certain people so at that moment I decided that I was going to go way out of my comfort zone and let God take over my life and heal what had been broken.
Not one minute later, God performed a miracle that only He could do. Someone I barely knew asked me to pray with them, and in that time, so much healing took place and I felt a huge weight lifted off of me, that I had been carrying around for months. It was amazing to be reminded that the discontentment and jealousy and negativity that I was feeling was all part of what Satan wanted for my life. He wants to destroy the love and relationship that is supposed to be between God’s children. God did not intend on any of His children treating each other with anything except love. This was so eye-opening for me.
After that happened, I was on this high and feeling a sort of joy that I’ve never experienced in my whole life. It was so encouraging and I knew I had prayer that night scheduled for 2 hours from
A year ago when I signed up for prayer, I had no idea how I was going to make it one hour of that week just praying. That night was the fastest 3.5 hours I’ve ever had. I just laid there and cried to God, sang to Him, read His word out loud, and just praised Him over and over again for the loving kindness and mercy that He has given me, which I clearly have never and will never deserve.
Since that night, I have had extremely low moments, but overall, am walking around feeling the chains that have been holding onto me for so long, broken by God’s faithfulness. This week I have decided to give everything up and let God take hold of my life and do with it what He wants. Along with letting go of things that seemed so important to me, mainly people, I also have been fasting since this past Sunday. Between that and living in prayer almost every chance I’ve been given, I have never felt so full when it came to my life. I’ve already begun to feel God calling me to different places, and have been able to let go of so much of the pain that I had been holding onto for way too long.
I’ve never felt God’s presence in my life so much. Between my prayer slots and community prayer, I’ve been in that room praying to Him for about 10 hours, and having that intimate time with Him, just talking and being honest and honestly searching for Him and longing for Him in my life, has made me really feel what being a transformed follower of Jesus Christ is like.
Satan is always going to try to tear me down or get in my way or get me to question the Lord’s faithfulness. This will be a constant battle. But after this week of prayer, I am confident that I will forever be a whole-hearted, follower of Christ.
If someone asked me a few months ago where I would be today, I definitely would not have answered them with how I’m currently living my life. There is no way I could have fathomed feeling as loved and fulfilled as I am now. I feel almost lighter and can’t stop smiling. I didn’t even know how to pray before a couple months ago and didn’t have much faith in the power of it, but being given the chance to fill my life with prayer, is really how everything changed for me.
If what I’m feeling now is even a little droplet of what eternity with my Father is going to be like, I can’t wait for that day to come.
Psalm 30 is the exact description of my journey up to this point of my life.
Be Blessed, friends.
xo
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sweetly Broken
Just as I told Brooke last night, there are no words that are able to accurately describe the feelings that I have right now.
I am in awe and am so amazed. There will never be a single word or even numerous words to describe God's greatness.
Yesterday something in me changed. Hearing Rod talk about Living Water and Stale Water just hit me so hard. I felt so much like God was speaking directly to me saying, "Jenna!! Wake up! You are drinking from the wrong kind of water." And I was. What an upsetting yet humbling thing for me to see where I was lacking in my life of following Christ. I am so ashamed for fitting every single one of the characteristics of what life was like drinking stale water.
I had been holding these negative feelings; feelings of anger and jealousy and envy and just plain hostility towards someone I didn't even know and letting all of these emotions distract me and get in my way of what I was supposed to be focusing on.
It had been going on for months, and I could not wake up one more day feeling like I had been for so long. It was eating away at me and taking me over. I had prayed so hard for something to happen to make these feelings go away but nothing was.
At last I realized that I needed to be willing to give everything up to the Lord so that He would be able to do with me what He wanted. So that's what I did, and that's what He did. All in one incredible hour.
I won't go into detail, but what happened last night was not something that any earthly person can do. It is purely God working his miracles. He heard my desperate cry. As Sarah Jayne said to me, I had a huge mountain in the way of me and God. He heard my cry and smashed it down so I was finally able to see once again, His beauty and majesty.
Satan tries SO HARD to get in the way of friendships and relationships by putting chains of negative feelings and emotions on us, and often times, those take over and we really do lose sight of how we should be living and treating others.
The battle is not over, but I am so glad that God showed his power and authority last night. I feel so changed, and renewed. I am dedicating my life to following Him and loving others the way He meant for us to. Satan will not win this.
I know that there is an amazing plan out there for me. One that I can not fathom, and way better than anything I could come up with on my own.
If you asked me 6 months ago where I thought I would be right now as far as my Faith and everything in my life, it definitely would not be where I am presently.
Thank GOD for that. I am SOO blessed and He has just filled me up with this amazing understanding and love that I've never experienced before.
Something awesome is happening and is going to keep happening. I can feel it.
I Can't Wait.
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
I am in awe and am so amazed. There will never be a single word or even numerous words to describe God's greatness.
Yesterday something in me changed. Hearing Rod talk about Living Water and Stale Water just hit me so hard. I felt so much like God was speaking directly to me saying, "Jenna!! Wake up! You are drinking from the wrong kind of water." And I was. What an upsetting yet humbling thing for me to see where I was lacking in my life of following Christ. I am so ashamed for fitting every single one of the characteristics of what life was like drinking stale water.
I had been holding these negative feelings; feelings of anger and jealousy and envy and just plain hostility towards someone I didn't even know and letting all of these emotions distract me and get in my way of what I was supposed to be focusing on.
It had been going on for months, and I could not wake up one more day feeling like I had been for so long. It was eating away at me and taking me over. I had prayed so hard for something to happen to make these feelings go away but nothing was.
At last I realized that I needed to be willing to give everything up to the Lord so that He would be able to do with me what He wanted. So that's what I did, and that's what He did. All in one incredible hour.
I won't go into detail, but what happened last night was not something that any earthly person can do. It is purely God working his miracles. He heard my desperate cry. As Sarah Jayne said to me, I had a huge mountain in the way of me and God. He heard my cry and smashed it down so I was finally able to see once again, His beauty and majesty.
Satan tries SO HARD to get in the way of friendships and relationships by putting chains of negative feelings and emotions on us, and often times, those take over and we really do lose sight of how we should be living and treating others.
The battle is not over, but I am so glad that God showed his power and authority last night. I feel so changed, and renewed. I am dedicating my life to following Him and loving others the way He meant for us to. Satan will not win this.
I know that there is an amazing plan out there for me. One that I can not fathom, and way better than anything I could come up with on my own.
If you asked me 6 months ago where I thought I would be right now as far as my Faith and everything in my life, it definitely would not be where I am presently.
Thank GOD for that. I am SOO blessed and He has just filled me up with this amazing understanding and love that I've never experienced before.
Something awesome is happening and is going to keep happening. I can feel it.
I Can't Wait.
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
Saturday, September 20, 2008
One More Thing...
I got a tattoo a few days ago.
I had been thinking about it for the past couple of years.
I woke up having an AWFUL day and my friend came to save me...
then she took me to get a tattoo.
So I got one.
And I LOVE it.
It was actually very empowering.
I'll post pics when I get some.
I had been thinking about it for the past couple of years.
I woke up having an AWFUL day and my friend came to save me...
then she took me to get a tattoo.
So I got one.
And I LOVE it.
It was actually very empowering.
I'll post pics when I get some.
Discontent
Sometimes I just don't really understand.
I put my whole life into something and try SO HARD to only focus on that one thing.
Things get better and everything seems to be falling into place;
then I fall backwards.
I don't understand how two weeks ago I felt a joy that I've never experienced before; A freedom from feeling tied down by all of my negative and anxious emotions.
I knew that it was a good decision we had made; That my life is so much better and fulfilled because of it.
But then this past week happened.
I don't know what changed or why it did.
But I couldn't do it anymore.
Waking up everyday and feeling amazing and great and happy wasn't happening.
Dead. Empty. Lonely.
That's what I got.
Too much time has gone by to still feel like this.
I'm so exhausted of it and can't go on feeling like this forever.
I look at other people and think, "if they can be ok, then i can be too."
I don't really believe it though.
Moving down to be near the Boiler Room has changed my life.
The relationships that I've formed with people,
The need for prayer in my life has been TRANSFOMING.
But still, I thought that my feeling of hurt would be gone.
Would you pray for me?
I don't think I can get through this on my own.
I put my whole life into something and try SO HARD to only focus on that one thing.
Things get better and everything seems to be falling into place;
then I fall backwards.
I don't understand how two weeks ago I felt a joy that I've never experienced before; A freedom from feeling tied down by all of my negative and anxious emotions.
I knew that it was a good decision we had made; That my life is so much better and fulfilled because of it.
But then this past week happened.
I don't know what changed or why it did.
But I couldn't do it anymore.
Waking up everyday and feeling amazing and great and happy wasn't happening.
Dead. Empty. Lonely.
That's what I got.
Too much time has gone by to still feel like this.
I'm so exhausted of it and can't go on feeling like this forever.
I look at other people and think, "if they can be ok, then i can be too."
I don't really believe it though.
Moving down to be near the Boiler Room has changed my life.
The relationships that I've formed with people,
The need for prayer in my life has been TRANSFOMING.
But still, I thought that my feeling of hurt would be gone.
Would you pray for me?
I don't think I can get through this on my own.
Monday, July 28, 2008
24/7 Prayer Revisited
I just had a VERY long note typed out about my life and how it has changed since my first 24/7 Prayer experience.
Somehow I accidentally deleted it so I will do my best to remember everything I had written:
I was looking at my previous notes. I re-read the one I had written on 24/7 Prayer and how scared I was because I had no idea what I was doing.
I thought that it being exactly 6 months later, I should revisit that note and do somewhat of a response just to share what has happened and where my life is now.
After that week of prayer, and also after attending Crossroads and visiting the Boiler Room a little bit more frequently, I could feel my life changing. Something was about to just explode and it was a very exciting thing for me.
During that first week of prayer, i was so afraid because I didn't know how to pray. I thought that those three prayer slots would go on forever.
However, after my first hour was up, I realized that it only had felt like a few minutes. I learned that praying did not just have to be saying the right thing with your hands folded and eyes closed. It is any means of communication with God, whether it be singing, drawing, talking out loud, thinking, whatever connected you with Him. You could either give thanks, or cry out for His hand.
I could feel something different inside of me.
When i would go to Crossroads on Sunday mornings, instead of standing there, too shy, too afraid of what people would think of me, just reading the words on the screen to the songs with a blank look on my face, I felt this joy bursting inside of me. Joy knowing that I could close my eyes and raise my arms and sing praises to my God with everything I had. What a freeing thing that was for me.
It's unbelievable how much closer I felt to him.
I used to be so shy. Well, I still am pretty shy. I would never go up to anyone first. I didn't know how to start a real conversation. I always felt that people were judging me, thinking I wasn't a good enough Christian.
The more i attended this church, and the more time I spent at the B.R. I realized that my perception of others was the judgmental one.
I've gotten to know quite a few people on a very deep and personal level, and there are a few who I consider to be some of my closest friends...even after just a couple months.
I'm hoping to get to know everyone else at some point, just because I think it's amazing to have people in your life who can you share so much with, so that your relationship/friendship with them is that much stronger. I love hearing people's stories, and how they came to where they are at now.
It's so nice to have people in my life who I know are there to encourage me the whole way, even if I don't know them that well. They want me to succeed and are running alongside of me in my race to become the person I want and am supposed to be.
I think I've managed to find some of the greatest people imaginable. It's hard to believe that there are so many people who actually say things and every word that comes out of their mouth is sincere.
These are the people who work for God and have helped to start the transformation in my life. All they do is love, and I use all of their lives as examples as to where I want my life to be someday.
so THANK YOU to everyone who has played a part...
I asked for Faith and I got it. Just as Chelsea told me I would.
I would've been the last person to ever say that someone could be changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time. But I am living proof that it is not about our timing, but God's. 6 months ago, there's no way I would ever tell anyone that I would be where I'm at right now. I would've laughed if someone told me that my life would be the way that it is. Actually, I did laugh. People told me that God will do what HE wants with my life if I let him. I didn't believe it, because at that time, I was still trying to control everything.
Giving up control of my life is still one of the things I struggle with most. Especially when it comes to relationships in my life.
It's so hard to give everything up to God. When I get frustrated about things not happening when I want them to, i think of what Tammy tells me and others who struggle with this. "God is never late, but rarely early."
How true is this? When I think back the past 23 years, I don't remember much that has happened the way I planned it out to be.
According to my plan, I was supposed to be married, with a job, my own house, and a child in the next year. NONE of those have happened...but i can't be more thankful for that.
I don't think April could say it any better than when she said that instead of thinking that I can just jump in and help save people's lives, I need to just come and allow myself to be healed. I'm going to be broken. There are times I will not want to keep my life this way because I'll be so frustrated.
But so far, I've let myself become broken, and it's so nice to know that God is with me the entire way and he is forever faithful. I have been able to get back up again because of Him. I am being healed. And it's such a terrifying, excruciating, yet wonderful and cleansing experience.
There is so much un-Godly baggage and just things that have scarred me that I want to be rid of. A life of sin and negativity. I want to be cleansed and renewed into the Woman of God that I'm meant to be. I'm being transformed. It's so awesome. Can you feel the excitement?
In the past couple of months, I've lost a few things that were VERY important to me. Although, like everyone else, I have those days where I just breakdown and cry in the middle of a beautiful day, and just want to hide away in my bed, I am determined to spend the other time praising God for my suffering and weakness. Tammy offered me a verse when I was on the verge of giving up, and it has become my favorite to look at when I'm struggling:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"9But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I LOVE the Lord. I love knowing that even if i lost EVERYTHING, as long as I had my Faith, Christ Himself would fulfill me in every aspect. I Love living my life for God. I Love knowing that even when I fall and make mistakes, and am so undeserving, God will always forgive me and give me unlimited chances because He knows my heart is there.
I can't wait until I'm able to move down to where the B.R. is and engulf myself in doing work for the Lord, while at the same time being healed and renewed.
I'm ready to get rid of the worldly things in my life, and start giving more, and loving more, and learning about everything God.
This is what the Lord asked of us. To make disciples of all of the nations.
I want to give my life to Him and follow Him, spreading His word to everyone I know.
The Lord my God is my one true Love, my Father in Heaven, and my Light, leading me down the path to His Glory.
I am becoming a transformed follower of Jesus Christ.
I can almost hear the Angels cheering from the Heavens.
There is no amount of money, and absolutely NOTHING anyone could say to make me sway.
I am living my life for the One and Only.
This is my new life.
xo
-Jenna
Somehow I accidentally deleted it so I will do my best to remember everything I had written:
I was looking at my previous notes. I re-read the one I had written on 24/7 Prayer and how scared I was because I had no idea what I was doing.
I thought that it being exactly 6 months later, I should revisit that note and do somewhat of a response just to share what has happened and where my life is now.
After that week of prayer, and also after attending Crossroads and visiting the Boiler Room a little bit more frequently, I could feel my life changing. Something was about to just explode and it was a very exciting thing for me.
During that first week of prayer, i was so afraid because I didn't know how to pray. I thought that those three prayer slots would go on forever.
However, after my first hour was up, I realized that it only had felt like a few minutes. I learned that praying did not just have to be saying the right thing with your hands folded and eyes closed. It is any means of communication with God, whether it be singing, drawing, talking out loud, thinking, whatever connected you with Him. You could either give thanks, or cry out for His hand.
I could feel something different inside of me.
When i would go to Crossroads on Sunday mornings, instead of standing there, too shy, too afraid of what people would think of me, just reading the words on the screen to the songs with a blank look on my face, I felt this joy bursting inside of me. Joy knowing that I could close my eyes and raise my arms and sing praises to my God with everything I had. What a freeing thing that was for me.
It's unbelievable how much closer I felt to him.
I used to be so shy. Well, I still am pretty shy. I would never go up to anyone first. I didn't know how to start a real conversation. I always felt that people were judging me, thinking I wasn't a good enough Christian.
The more i attended this church, and the more time I spent at the B.R. I realized that my perception of others was the judgmental one.
I've gotten to know quite a few people on a very deep and personal level, and there are a few who I consider to be some of my closest friends...even after just a couple months.
I'm hoping to get to know everyone else at some point, just because I think it's amazing to have people in your life who can you share so much with, so that your relationship/friendship with them is that much stronger. I love hearing people's stories, and how they came to where they are at now.
It's so nice to have people in my life who I know are there to encourage me the whole way, even if I don't know them that well. They want me to succeed and are running alongside of me in my race to become the person I want and am supposed to be.
I think I've managed to find some of the greatest people imaginable. It's hard to believe that there are so many people who actually say things and every word that comes out of their mouth is sincere.
These are the people who work for God and have helped to start the transformation in my life. All they do is love, and I use all of their lives as examples as to where I want my life to be someday.
so THANK YOU to everyone who has played a part...
I asked for Faith and I got it. Just as Chelsea told me I would.
I would've been the last person to ever say that someone could be changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time. But I am living proof that it is not about our timing, but God's. 6 months ago, there's no way I would ever tell anyone that I would be where I'm at right now. I would've laughed if someone told me that my life would be the way that it is. Actually, I did laugh. People told me that God will do what HE wants with my life if I let him. I didn't believe it, because at that time, I was still trying to control everything.
Giving up control of my life is still one of the things I struggle with most. Especially when it comes to relationships in my life.
It's so hard to give everything up to God. When I get frustrated about things not happening when I want them to, i think of what Tammy tells me and others who struggle with this. "God is never late, but rarely early."
How true is this? When I think back the past 23 years, I don't remember much that has happened the way I planned it out to be.
According to my plan, I was supposed to be married, with a job, my own house, and a child in the next year. NONE of those have happened...but i can't be more thankful for that.
I don't think April could say it any better than when she said that instead of thinking that I can just jump in and help save people's lives, I need to just come and allow myself to be healed. I'm going to be broken. There are times I will not want to keep my life this way because I'll be so frustrated.
But so far, I've let myself become broken, and it's so nice to know that God is with me the entire way and he is forever faithful. I have been able to get back up again because of Him. I am being healed. And it's such a terrifying, excruciating, yet wonderful and cleansing experience.
There is so much un-Godly baggage and just things that have scarred me that I want to be rid of. A life of sin and negativity. I want to be cleansed and renewed into the Woman of God that I'm meant to be. I'm being transformed. It's so awesome. Can you feel the excitement?
In the past couple of months, I've lost a few things that were VERY important to me. Although, like everyone else, I have those days where I just breakdown and cry in the middle of a beautiful day, and just want to hide away in my bed, I am determined to spend the other time praising God for my suffering and weakness. Tammy offered me a verse when I was on the verge of giving up, and it has become my favorite to look at when I'm struggling:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"9But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I LOVE the Lord. I love knowing that even if i lost EVERYTHING, as long as I had my Faith, Christ Himself would fulfill me in every aspect. I Love living my life for God. I Love knowing that even when I fall and make mistakes, and am so undeserving, God will always forgive me and give me unlimited chances because He knows my heart is there.
I can't wait until I'm able to move down to where the B.R. is and engulf myself in doing work for the Lord, while at the same time being healed and renewed.
I'm ready to get rid of the worldly things in my life, and start giving more, and loving more, and learning about everything God.
This is what the Lord asked of us. To make disciples of all of the nations.
I want to give my life to Him and follow Him, spreading His word to everyone I know.
The Lord my God is my one true Love, my Father in Heaven, and my Light, leading me down the path to His Glory.
I am becoming a transformed follower of Jesus Christ.
I can almost hear the Angels cheering from the Heavens.
There is no amount of money, and absolutely NOTHING anyone could say to make me sway.
I am living my life for the One and Only.
This is my new life.
xo
-Jenna
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Lose Control
A lot has changed.
I went from being ok with everything, to confused and not ok, back to ok, and now I seem to be not ok once again.
It's so hard giving up control, isn't it?
I find myself staying up way too late at night trying to figure out how to fix the things broken in my life when in reality, it is God who is breaking me.
I know He is trying to tell me to stop trying to figure everything out and to trust in Him. But it's so hard. Especially when I feel like I have absolutely nothing and want to cry all day.
I've been spending more time at the boiler room. Spending more time trying to get to know others, and spending more time getting to know myself.
I learned last night that it's ok if i don't have it all together. I can cry. I can yell if I need to.
Throughout the past couple of months, I've learned what it means to have true friends. Even if I don't know them very well, I have people in my life who want nothing but happiness for me and will be there alongside of me to cheer me on every step of the way.
Talking to a couple other girls tonight, I realized that when it comes to Love and relationships, that is the hardest time to give up trying to make things work on my own. I think I know what's best for me, and no one, even God can tell me different.
I'll bet that when I think like that, God looks at me and thinks, "My child, you have SO much to learn."
I feel my heart ache everyday, convinced that I know what/who is supposed to be in my life. But I need to realize that even if I am right, it's ultimately up to God, and He will make me ready for it when He thinks I am. Not when I think I am. That is a hard pill to swallow! Sometimes I think things are getting better and I'm letting go...but then I get scared and go backwards, ultimately just making myself more unsure and stressed out.
How great would all of our lives be if we just let go and let God?
He will never fail us.
My other problem right now is my job situation. I feel like God took so much away from me for a reason, and new opportunities keep coming, but then I feel like doors are closing on them.
God just has something better in store for me that I just don't know about right now, right?
It's so hard, especially when I don't have any kind of financial means to pay bills to believe that and hold strong to that.
I've felt so depressed the past couple of weeks, sitting at my house, feeling sorry for myself.
I need things to change. I know He is just waiting for me to come to Him saying "ok..you have all of me...do what you will."
But it's SO HARD. Does anyone else feel that way?
I've always been good at telling other people to follow the Lord and to listen to Him...but I can't seem to do it myself.
I can't wait for September. September is going to be the month that my life changes drastically.
That's all I have to say for now. Nothing insightful really. Just needed to get some things out on the table.
Pray for me. That's all I ask.
xo
I went from being ok with everything, to confused and not ok, back to ok, and now I seem to be not ok once again.
It's so hard giving up control, isn't it?
I find myself staying up way too late at night trying to figure out how to fix the things broken in my life when in reality, it is God who is breaking me.
I know He is trying to tell me to stop trying to figure everything out and to trust in Him. But it's so hard. Especially when I feel like I have absolutely nothing and want to cry all day.
I've been spending more time at the boiler room. Spending more time trying to get to know others, and spending more time getting to know myself.
I learned last night that it's ok if i don't have it all together. I can cry. I can yell if I need to.
Throughout the past couple of months, I've learned what it means to have true friends. Even if I don't know them very well, I have people in my life who want nothing but happiness for me and will be there alongside of me to cheer me on every step of the way.
Talking to a couple other girls tonight, I realized that when it comes to Love and relationships, that is the hardest time to give up trying to make things work on my own. I think I know what's best for me, and no one, even God can tell me different.
I'll bet that when I think like that, God looks at me and thinks, "My child, you have SO much to learn."
I feel my heart ache everyday, convinced that I know what/who is supposed to be in my life. But I need to realize that even if I am right, it's ultimately up to God, and He will make me ready for it when He thinks I am. Not when I think I am. That is a hard pill to swallow! Sometimes I think things are getting better and I'm letting go...but then I get scared and go backwards, ultimately just making myself more unsure and stressed out.
How great would all of our lives be if we just let go and let God?
He will never fail us.
My other problem right now is my job situation. I feel like God took so much away from me for a reason, and new opportunities keep coming, but then I feel like doors are closing on them.
God just has something better in store for me that I just don't know about right now, right?
It's so hard, especially when I don't have any kind of financial means to pay bills to believe that and hold strong to that.
I've felt so depressed the past couple of weeks, sitting at my house, feeling sorry for myself.
I need things to change. I know He is just waiting for me to come to Him saying "ok..you have all of me...do what you will."
But it's SO HARD. Does anyone else feel that way?
I've always been good at telling other people to follow the Lord and to listen to Him...but I can't seem to do it myself.
I can't wait for September. September is going to be the month that my life changes drastically.
That's all I have to say for now. Nothing insightful really. Just needed to get some things out on the table.
Pray for me. That's all I ask.
xo
Friday, May 30, 2008
The Vision
So this guy comes up to me and says, "What’s the vision? What’s the big idea?"
I open my mouth and words come out like this...
The vision?
The vision is JESUS - obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free, yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago - to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose that they might one day win the great
"Well done" of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don’t need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and
again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing...
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 - 7 - 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy
little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting
essentials.
The advertisers cannot mold them. Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the
cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.
On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate
and celebrate, but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row -
guilty as hell.
A throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings.
They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don’t you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdos! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these
children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and
invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very
dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great "Amen!" from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ
himself.
And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
[Pete Greig]
I open my mouth and words come out like this...
The vision?
The vision is JESUS - obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free, yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago - to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose that they might one day win the great
"Well done" of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don’t need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and
again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing...
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 - 7 - 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy
little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting
essentials.
The advertisers cannot mold them. Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the
cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.
On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate
and celebrate, but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row -
guilty as hell.
A throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings.
They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don’t you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdos! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these
children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and
invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very
dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great "Amen!" from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ
himself.
And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
[Pete Greig]
A Couple Questions..
What do you do when you think your life is set...you’ve got the job, the education, the financial stability, the significant other....then suddenly...EVERYTHING falls apart...and you’re left with...
Nothing...
It’s funny how you think you have everything figured out and you think you have a pretty good idea of what you want in life, and then you start to see signs that maybe this isn’t what God had planned for you...but rather what you had planned for yourself.It probably won’t work that way; it never does. We do not control our lives.
But how do you start over with nothing...after having everything for so long?
This is my life; this is what i live for...
I wrote this back in January, but it's always a good reminder to me as to what the purpose of my life is and what I should be doing with it. Obviously things in my life have changed and the specific times and dates of things also have, but it's good to be reminded that it's ok to be scared about things, and not know everything and to know that God will take care of you:
As many of you know, I am trying so hard to change my life and surrender all of myself to God. Although I have fallen more times than not, I am making some huge strides in order to feel the peace and happiness of God working in me. Don't get me wrong...I mess up every minute of every day. I do things that someone who is so set on being a good Christian should not. But I know that my intentions are true, and God will see that..and that's all that matters.
I have been attending Crossroads Bible church the past few months, and they have started what they call the boiler room. Some of you may be familiar with what that is...although I'm still learning about it.The Stockbridge boiler room house is lived in by a few guys from the church who are also Interns, that has a room in it specifically for praying; but that's just one part of the house.
It is ran completely by people who love God and by God Himself.
I write this because I want everyone to know that this week I am facing a HUGE challenge. Every six weeks, this church does 24/7 prayer, which as you may have guessed, means that someone (well, one person at a time, changing every hour) is constantly in that boiler room praying; praying for themselves, the church, the homeless, everything.
This goes on for 7 days.I am not good at praying. I never have been..but I thought that the fact that I would be "face-to-face" with God by myself in a room for an hour at a time, would maybe change that, and possibly even change my life.
As stated on the stockbridge boiler room website: "24-7 prayer is not for experts. It's for those who find prayer a struggle. 24-7 is a model that works! It has proven unusually successful at mobilizing people - especially young people - to pray like they've never prayed before. People learn to pray... by praying!"
So this week...on Wednesday from 2am-3am, 3pm-4pm and Thursday from 2am-3am, I will be there praying. As ironic as this is, I need as many peoples prayers as I can get seeing as I am very scared, because this is not something I would ever normally do, and I will be EXHAUSTED spiritually, emotionally and physically, because I will be there 3 out of 25 hours praying, 2 times of which will be in the middle of the night and will be working days in between. Some of you may not think that this is that big of a deal, or that praying really shouldn't be that hard, but for me it is.
I think i've always felt that it was such an intimate way to get in touch with God, that I was always scared of that, so I never even tried. If anyone is at all interested in getting involved in some way, this church and this house is life-changing. I don't know much about either, but I do know that this house is an outreach for the homeless, whether it be to get them off of an addiction, have a hot meal, take a shower, or to try to form a relationship with God.
And then, of course, it has the boiler room; a place to lay it all down before God and only God. It has already changed my outlook on certain aspects of my life and is giving me a feeling in my heart that i've never felt before, and I am SO excited and ready to give up all control of my life and place it in the hands of my Lord.
I'm sorry this is long, but I just wanted to share what has been going on in my life and my heart, and what I have coming up that will be VERY hard for me.
I always have a hard time talking this honestly about my faith, even though I feel it so deeply. I've always been worried about what other people would think if I felt so strongly about something that some may see as controversial or not important.
Even those closest to me probably have not heard these kinds of thoughts on something like this. That's wrong though.
I should never be ashamed or deny the love I have for Jesus Christ.This is why I'm writing a note on here. As idiotic as it may sound, I've always been better at expressing my feelings in writing..and this way I can declare it to everyone who decides to read this.
I'm not good at telling people if I'm scared about something...but I thought it would be a good time to start...so I could have the support of people who I know may understand or people who are important to me. I appreciate any prayers that you may give.
I see this as a time that will either make me stronger in my faith, which is where i want to go, or else a time that may break me down completely...which also may be good for me.
I guess it's all in God's hands now.
This is the beginning of a fantastic, terrifying life that God has wanted me to begin living for the past 22 years.
Love to you all through Him,
Jenna
"When I say I am a Christian, I'm not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it."
[Maya Angelou]
If you want to find out more information, go to: http://www.stockbridgeboilerroom.org/
As many of you know, I am trying so hard to change my life and surrender all of myself to God. Although I have fallen more times than not, I am making some huge strides in order to feel the peace and happiness of God working in me. Don't get me wrong...I mess up every minute of every day. I do things that someone who is so set on being a good Christian should not. But I know that my intentions are true, and God will see that..and that's all that matters.
I have been attending Crossroads Bible church the past few months, and they have started what they call the boiler room. Some of you may be familiar with what that is...although I'm still learning about it.The Stockbridge boiler room house is lived in by a few guys from the church who are also Interns, that has a room in it specifically for praying; but that's just one part of the house.
It is ran completely by people who love God and by God Himself.
I write this because I want everyone to know that this week I am facing a HUGE challenge. Every six weeks, this church does 24/7 prayer, which as you may have guessed, means that someone (well, one person at a time, changing every hour) is constantly in that boiler room praying; praying for themselves, the church, the homeless, everything.
This goes on for 7 days.I am not good at praying. I never have been..but I thought that the fact that I would be "face-to-face" with God by myself in a room for an hour at a time, would maybe change that, and possibly even change my life.
As stated on the stockbridge boiler room website: "24-7 prayer is not for experts. It's for those who find prayer a struggle. 24-7 is a model that works! It has proven unusually successful at mobilizing people - especially young people - to pray like they've never prayed before. People learn to pray... by praying!"
So this week...on Wednesday from 2am-3am, 3pm-4pm and Thursday from 2am-3am, I will be there praying. As ironic as this is, I need as many peoples prayers as I can get seeing as I am very scared, because this is not something I would ever normally do, and I will be EXHAUSTED spiritually, emotionally and physically, because I will be there 3 out of 25 hours praying, 2 times of which will be in the middle of the night and will be working days in between. Some of you may not think that this is that big of a deal, or that praying really shouldn't be that hard, but for me it is.
I think i've always felt that it was such an intimate way to get in touch with God, that I was always scared of that, so I never even tried. If anyone is at all interested in getting involved in some way, this church and this house is life-changing. I don't know much about either, but I do know that this house is an outreach for the homeless, whether it be to get them off of an addiction, have a hot meal, take a shower, or to try to form a relationship with God.
And then, of course, it has the boiler room; a place to lay it all down before God and only God. It has already changed my outlook on certain aspects of my life and is giving me a feeling in my heart that i've never felt before, and I am SO excited and ready to give up all control of my life and place it in the hands of my Lord.
I'm sorry this is long, but I just wanted to share what has been going on in my life and my heart, and what I have coming up that will be VERY hard for me.
I always have a hard time talking this honestly about my faith, even though I feel it so deeply. I've always been worried about what other people would think if I felt so strongly about something that some may see as controversial or not important.
Even those closest to me probably have not heard these kinds of thoughts on something like this. That's wrong though.
I should never be ashamed or deny the love I have for Jesus Christ.This is why I'm writing a note on here. As idiotic as it may sound, I've always been better at expressing my feelings in writing..and this way I can declare it to everyone who decides to read this.
I'm not good at telling people if I'm scared about something...but I thought it would be a good time to start...so I could have the support of people who I know may understand or people who are important to me. I appreciate any prayers that you may give.
I see this as a time that will either make me stronger in my faith, which is where i want to go, or else a time that may break me down completely...which also may be good for me.
I guess it's all in God's hands now.
This is the beginning of a fantastic, terrifying life that God has wanted me to begin living for the past 22 years.
Love to you all through Him,
Jenna
"When I say I am a Christian, I'm not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it."
[Maya Angelou]
If you want to find out more information, go to: http://www.stockbridgeboilerroom.org/
Monday, April 28, 2008
Cold Tangerines
I'm feeling a little bit better. My mom got home from work and dragged my butt out of bed and made me go to Outback with her, my aunt and my Grandma. Steak and garlic mashed potatoes will always cheer you up!! (well, unless you're a vegetarian i suppose) Maybe it's just my hilarious Grandma that did it for me.
Anyway, I've already read this book once, but I think it's time for me to open it back up because it is such a smart book and gives good advice for your life.
The book is called: Cold Tangerines, and it's by Shauna Niequist who is the wife of Aaron Niequist, whom some of you know as the previous piano player/worship leader/song writer from Mars Hill.
Let me just share a quote that gives you an insight as to what this book is like. It's amazing and so full of life and makes me just think of things differently:
"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." [SHAUNA NIEQUIST]
THIS is what I want.
Anyway, I've already read this book once, but I think it's time for me to open it back up because it is such a smart book and gives good advice for your life.
The book is called: Cold Tangerines, and it's by Shauna Niequist who is the wife of Aaron Niequist, whom some of you know as the previous piano player/worship leader/song writer from Mars Hill.
Let me just share a quote that gives you an insight as to what this book is like. It's amazing and so full of life and makes me just think of things differently:
"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." [SHAUNA NIEQUIST]
THIS is what I want.
Help
This is not what I asked for in my life.
I'm trying to make things better, and things are just getting worse.
I'm stuck.
And i need help.
But i have NO ONE.
I have never felt so betrayed or felt so much resentment towards people in my life.
Stop judging me and the choices I make, and just be my friend.
And love me regardless.
This is the point where I have nothing and I need to turn to God.
But I don't like giving up control of my life.
Feeling like this can't be what God had planned for me.
I refuse to let it be.
This is Hell on Earth.
Help.
I'm trying to make things better, and things are just getting worse.
I'm stuck.
And i need help.
But i have NO ONE.
I have never felt so betrayed or felt so much resentment towards people in my life.
Stop judging me and the choices I make, and just be my friend.
And love me regardless.
This is the point where I have nothing and I need to turn to God.
But I don't like giving up control of my life.
Feeling like this can't be what God had planned for me.
I refuse to let it be.
This is Hell on Earth.
Help.
Monday, April 14, 2008
What would you do if today was your last day on earth?
I already have this posted on facebook/myspace, but thought I should just add it to this page so all of my rants/raves can be together. Disregard if you've read it..or feel free to re-read it, as I occasionally find the need to to remind myself how precious life is....
"Live every day as if it were your last."
That’s a quote that probably all of us have heard, but do we really do that? I realized that in my life, the only time i used that expression is for an excuse to live a wild and fun life, doing things that I know that I really shouldn’t.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death;
Am I ready for it? Is anyone ready for it?
The thought of living this life that I have been given and then someday having it all taken away and not waking up the next day is a scary thought.
Thankfully, I am confident that if it does happen sooner than I expected, I will be greeted in a world of paradise, where I would wonder why I ever would even be scared to leave my earthly being.
Because of these thoughts however, I have decided I am going to waste no more time in my life. I don’t want to live as if there is always going to be a
tomorrow. I don’t want to be so concerned with my future, that I forget about what’s happening to me today.
My life is changing dramatically. Thanks to Crossroads Bible Church and those I've met at the Boiler Room, and even some adults at my actual home church, I’ve met some AWESOME people who only will make my life head in a more positive direction, and I will be taking a good look at who my true friends are.
And I’m not going to be mean, but if these friends aren’t really people who are good influences on me at all, or who support me in my complete life-style change, then I probably won’t be in contact as much.
I need people in my life who just encourage me constantly and maybe even strive for this for their own lives.
If people who were diagnosed with a terminal illness found out they only had a certain amount of time left in their life, I’m almost positive that they would not go to the bar and get as wasted as possible or make bad decisions using the excuse that they only have so much time left.
I think the most important things would be fulfilling their wildest dreams, and making sure they were surrounded by the people who loved them and cared for them the most and appreciating every single second of every day that they have left.
I no longer will be making "live every day as if it were your last" an excuse for making decisions that pull me farther away from the person that I hope to become.
From today until my last day here, I will be waking up with an appreciation for every breath that I’m given, and every step that I take, because THOSE are the important things in life that people seem to forget about.
I’m so excited for this change, and hopefully people will support me. This means that I won’t be going out anymore to places where people make fools of themselves and spend the entire time comparing themselves to other people, or trying to get attention from them. Because that’s the kind of person that I’ve become; superficial--spending my life wanting others to like me.
And not just that, but I won’t be living in a life where I’m so discontent and I won’t let other people’s negativity affect me.
I’m sick of living for other people, and only liking myself when other people like me, usually for the wrong reasons. I’m doing this for myself, and I know that when the day comes that I can say I found myself, and love myself because I have become the person God wanted me to be, I will experience more happiness than anyone could EVER give me.
If you had ONE day left....would you be ready?
"Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, when you face trials of MANY kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops PERSEVERANCE."
[James 1:2-3]
"Live every day as if it were your last."
That’s a quote that probably all of us have heard, but do we really do that? I realized that in my life, the only time i used that expression is for an excuse to live a wild and fun life, doing things that I know that I really shouldn’t.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death;
Am I ready for it? Is anyone ready for it?
The thought of living this life that I have been given and then someday having it all taken away and not waking up the next day is a scary thought.
Thankfully, I am confident that if it does happen sooner than I expected, I will be greeted in a world of paradise, where I would wonder why I ever would even be scared to leave my earthly being.
Because of these thoughts however, I have decided I am going to waste no more time in my life. I don’t want to live as if there is always going to be a
tomorrow. I don’t want to be so concerned with my future, that I forget about what’s happening to me today.
My life is changing dramatically. Thanks to Crossroads Bible Church and those I've met at the Boiler Room, and even some adults at my actual home church, I’ve met some AWESOME people who only will make my life head in a more positive direction, and I will be taking a good look at who my true friends are.
And I’m not going to be mean, but if these friends aren’t really people who are good influences on me at all, or who support me in my complete life-style change, then I probably won’t be in contact as much.
I need people in my life who just encourage me constantly and maybe even strive for this for their own lives.
If people who were diagnosed with a terminal illness found out they only had a certain amount of time left in their life, I’m almost positive that they would not go to the bar and get as wasted as possible or make bad decisions using the excuse that they only have so much time left.
I think the most important things would be fulfilling their wildest dreams, and making sure they were surrounded by the people who loved them and cared for them the most and appreciating every single second of every day that they have left.
I no longer will be making "live every day as if it were your last" an excuse for making decisions that pull me farther away from the person that I hope to become.
From today until my last day here, I will be waking up with an appreciation for every breath that I’m given, and every step that I take, because THOSE are the important things in life that people seem to forget about.
I’m so excited for this change, and hopefully people will support me. This means that I won’t be going out anymore to places where people make fools of themselves and spend the entire time comparing themselves to other people, or trying to get attention from them. Because that’s the kind of person that I’ve become; superficial--spending my life wanting others to like me.
And not just that, but I won’t be living in a life where I’m so discontent and I won’t let other people’s negativity affect me.
I’m sick of living for other people, and only liking myself when other people like me, usually for the wrong reasons. I’m doing this for myself, and I know that when the day comes that I can say I found myself, and love myself because I have become the person God wanted me to be, I will experience more happiness than anyone could EVER give me.
If you had ONE day left....would you be ready?
"Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, when you face trials of MANY kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops PERSEVERANCE."
[James 1:2-3]
So this is the answer I've been waiting for....
Writing has always been my outlet; the only way i can clearly express ideas with all of the passion and emotion that I'm feeling at the time. If I try to talk, often I'll be too shy or all of my words will come out in a jumbled mess.
I haven't decided yet if I am going to keep this private, or put it out for the world to see...I guess if you're reading this now, then I decided to go public. In a way, I think it would be good for people to see who I really am; for them to see what I really struggle with in life, and what I rejoice about. On the other hand, I sometimes find myself so overwhelmed and stressed out, that I just need to vent...and maybe say things or think things that I know I shouldn't. And I wouldn't want anyone to witness that.
For now, lets just say that this is an experiment. Maybe through this, I'll finally find myself and find what makes myself truly happy; instead of having to fake it all the time. Maybe I'll realize things about myself and my life that I would only realize by going back and reflecting on what I've written.
So this is what has been going on through my head for the past few weeks:
I've decided that right now...I don't know what I want. Well...I do in a way. I want to finish school, get married, and have kids. Isn't that everyone's goal when they're in their 20-somethings? But it's not that easy.
And if I know this is what I want, then why am i so dis-content? Why do I feel empty even though I have an awesome job, am going back to school and am dating the "love of my life?" I need to find answers to these questions; and fast. Because a lot of the time, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.
Maybe I need to turn to God more. Maybe He is the only one who can fill this void. It's really hard. I feel like I've turned my life around so much and am trying to live my life for Him, but I've found myself more unhappy than before. Was I just faking it? Maybe I'm really just a lost little girl who makes bad choices, and even maybe enjoys that? I don't think so though.
Maybe this is the part where I'm supposed to admit that I'm Broken, so I have nothing and no one to turn to except God.
This wasn't part of the deal. Feeling dead and empty wasn't supposed to come along with finding myself, and finding my Faith. I thought living my life for Him was supposed to be uplifting?
Can someone help?
As I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my face, I'm thinking about my life, from the time that I remember as a teeny little girl, up until this past week. Thinking about things that have happened to me that have shaped who I am, my surroundings growing up, and decisions I've made since I've become an "adult." Every minute of every day will shape you somehow.
My friend just now texted me something great and intelligent: "...[Being Broken] is a great and sucky and exciting and miserable first step." (to becoming a true child of God)
It's funny that while I was sitting here sobbing my eyes out about how I hate my life and feel like I have NOTHING, when in fact I have so much, I got a text asking me how my day was. Not just by a random friend who doesn't really care either way how it was, but by someone who truly and sincerely cares about my day, and about me. How weird. What perfect timing. I think that was God. Everything is in God's time; Not ours.
This gave me the opportunity to talk about my life and get some awesome encouragement and some really great answers and suggestions to things I've been struggling with for a long time. Wow, God.
I've learned that sometimes you feel like you have nothing, and you've hit the bottom, only to sink down into the pavement, with no way up. It's when you feel like you've lost everything, and are suffocated under the ground, when the tiniest glimpse of God's work is the greatest ray of hope. This is why God breaks you. You have to realize at some point that having Faith in God is the only thing that will get you through those times; not money, not a great bf/gf, not a nice car or good job, even not all friends could pull you out of that kind of darkness.
Maybe I've realized all of this but I just needed a little encouragement by a great friend, and to write it out so I could see it.
Let me just say that this friend, (who will remain nameless because I didn't ask if I could put in her name), is probably one of the most sincere, caring friends I have. I haven't even known her that long but she is so filled with Faith and God's love that it just radiates throughout her, to other people. After talking to her about what I've been going through, I have confidence now that this really is a good thing. That God is working through me, and although it's hard right now, in the end it will be so worth it. I am important, and I am here for a reason. My friend will never take full-credit. She'll always give the credit to God, but it takes a really special person to be able to pass on the encouragement and the Faith that I need to get through times like this.
I started writing this two hours ago, and already things seem a little bit clearer to me just by talking to my friend for a half hour; I'm starting to see that ray of hope...because I'm obviously not alone in this. And I think this was the point. God wants me to know that even when I have "nothing" left, I have everything, if I just focus on Him.
I know there are going to be so many hardships down the road. I'm going to be retreating back to this life-saving "blog" so i can vent and maybe see my triumphs happen before my eyes.
This is a good thing....
Yes. A really good thing.
And right now, that little ray of hope is all I need to get me through.
Everything else will fall into place...in God's time.
There's a good chance this didn't really make sense to anyone. I was kind of all over the place, and I've been known to think kinda crazy--so if you don't understand what I was getting at at all, then that's ok...I won't take it personally.
**I think I've decided to make this public, so feel free to keep checking back to this site. I have a feeling I'm going to be updating frequently.**
I haven't decided yet if I am going to keep this private, or put it out for the world to see...I guess if you're reading this now, then I decided to go public. In a way, I think it would be good for people to see who I really am; for them to see what I really struggle with in life, and what I rejoice about. On the other hand, I sometimes find myself so overwhelmed and stressed out, that I just need to vent...and maybe say things or think things that I know I shouldn't. And I wouldn't want anyone to witness that.
For now, lets just say that this is an experiment. Maybe through this, I'll finally find myself and find what makes myself truly happy; instead of having to fake it all the time. Maybe I'll realize things about myself and my life that I would only realize by going back and reflecting on what I've written.
So this is what has been going on through my head for the past few weeks:
I've decided that right now...I don't know what I want. Well...I do in a way. I want to finish school, get married, and have kids. Isn't that everyone's goal when they're in their 20-somethings? But it's not that easy.
And if I know this is what I want, then why am i so dis-content? Why do I feel empty even though I have an awesome job, am going back to school and am dating the "love of my life?" I need to find answers to these questions; and fast. Because a lot of the time, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.
Maybe I need to turn to God more. Maybe He is the only one who can fill this void. It's really hard. I feel like I've turned my life around so much and am trying to live my life for Him, but I've found myself more unhappy than before. Was I just faking it? Maybe I'm really just a lost little girl who makes bad choices, and even maybe enjoys that? I don't think so though.
Maybe this is the part where I'm supposed to admit that I'm Broken, so I have nothing and no one to turn to except God.
This wasn't part of the deal. Feeling dead and empty wasn't supposed to come along with finding myself, and finding my Faith. I thought living my life for Him was supposed to be uplifting?
Can someone help?
As I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my face, I'm thinking about my life, from the time that I remember as a teeny little girl, up until this past week. Thinking about things that have happened to me that have shaped who I am, my surroundings growing up, and decisions I've made since I've become an "adult." Every minute of every day will shape you somehow.
My friend just now texted me something great and intelligent: "...[Being Broken] is a great and sucky and exciting and miserable first step." (to becoming a true child of God)
It's funny that while I was sitting here sobbing my eyes out about how I hate my life and feel like I have NOTHING, when in fact I have so much, I got a text asking me how my day was. Not just by a random friend who doesn't really care either way how it was, but by someone who truly and sincerely cares about my day, and about me. How weird. What perfect timing. I think that was God. Everything is in God's time; Not ours.
This gave me the opportunity to talk about my life and get some awesome encouragement and some really great answers and suggestions to things I've been struggling with for a long time. Wow, God.
I've learned that sometimes you feel like you have nothing, and you've hit the bottom, only to sink down into the pavement, with no way up. It's when you feel like you've lost everything, and are suffocated under the ground, when the tiniest glimpse of God's work is the greatest ray of hope. This is why God breaks you. You have to realize at some point that having Faith in God is the only thing that will get you through those times; not money, not a great bf/gf, not a nice car or good job, even not all friends could pull you out of that kind of darkness.
Maybe I've realized all of this but I just needed a little encouragement by a great friend, and to write it out so I could see it.
Let me just say that this friend, (who will remain nameless because I didn't ask if I could put in her name), is probably one of the most sincere, caring friends I have. I haven't even known her that long but she is so filled with Faith and God's love that it just radiates throughout her, to other people. After talking to her about what I've been going through, I have confidence now that this really is a good thing. That God is working through me, and although it's hard right now, in the end it will be so worth it. I am important, and I am here for a reason. My friend will never take full-credit. She'll always give the credit to God, but it takes a really special person to be able to pass on the encouragement and the Faith that I need to get through times like this.
I started writing this two hours ago, and already things seem a little bit clearer to me just by talking to my friend for a half hour; I'm starting to see that ray of hope...because I'm obviously not alone in this. And I think this was the point. God wants me to know that even when I have "nothing" left, I have everything, if I just focus on Him.
I know there are going to be so many hardships down the road. I'm going to be retreating back to this life-saving "blog" so i can vent and maybe see my triumphs happen before my eyes.
This is a good thing....
Yes. A really good thing.
And right now, that little ray of hope is all I need to get me through.
Everything else will fall into place...in God's time.
There's a good chance this didn't really make sense to anyone. I was kind of all over the place, and I've been known to think kinda crazy--so if you don't understand what I was getting at at all, then that's ok...I won't take it personally.
**I think I've decided to make this public, so feel free to keep checking back to this site. I have a feeling I'm going to be updating frequently.**
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
