Things i've realized about myself and my life.

Last night, I was able to go to coffee with an amazing friend, and sister.

I realized a few things during that time and during the past couple of weeks:

1) I need time to myself. I need some nights where I don't hang out w/anyone, just to rest, read, go to bed early, and clear my head.

2) I care so much about what others think of me. I have problems saying "no" to people when they want me to do something because I feel like they won't like me as much or will get mad if i do. This being said, I need to fear God's perception of me. Not the peoples around me. If I give into sometihng because I feel guilty, I know I'm going to feel worse in the end, so that is something I need to work on (thanks Brooke, for pointing this out for me). If I spent as much time caring about what God was thinking about me, as I do caring about what others think about me, how would that alter my life?

3) I want to get back to the point where I want God, and ONLY God in my life, meaning I want to stop thinking that I need all these earthly and material possessions. I want to wake up, and go to bed thinking about God and how I honored him or could honor Him more, and all the time in between. I want to hunger for Him, and be desperate for Him to consume me.

4) I signed up for 12 hours in the prayer room this past 24/7 prayer week. I went to probably 2 of those hours and didn't get anything out of them because my heart wasn't in it. I just ended up talking to people or zoning our completely instead of getting on my face, asking God to fulfill me once again. I no longer will make excuses or find more "important" things to be doing.

5) I need, as Brooke calls them, "Jesus dates." At least once a week, I need to devote a certain amount of tmie to spending some extremely intimate, one-on-one time with Jesus. I want to be able to immerse myself in His word and spend time having deep conversations with Him.

6) Change can sometimes be good. I need to remember that and hold onto that when I'm afraid of something different happening than i'm used to.

7) Having a hard time deciphering if I should do what God is calling me to do, as opposed to losing some small, insignificant parts of my life, is a foolish thought, and I am ashamed that I would even consider choosing worldly things over God's plan for me.

8) I'm going to fast again starting next Sunday.

9) I want to play the piano more.

10) God has brought me to a spot where He is the center of my life. I used to think I only needed others who were "ahead" of me on their journey with God, making them the only ones I sought after, leaning on them completely and only using their guidance as the way for me to get through rough times. I didn't lose them. I still have them fully there as a support, as they are forever going to be my brothers and sisters. But now I am able to truly see where the healing begins through God (thank you, Brooke, for helping me see this).

11) I LOVE coffee and coffee "dates."

12) All of the good and bad that I've experienced have been the hugest blessings to me by bringing me to the point in life that I'm at now. Although this is a great thing, I do not want to, and will not live in the past.

13) I want to become an artist of some sort (random thought, I know...but it makes sense to me).

14) Family is an amazing thing. I need to embrace it with all I have. This is not just family that I'm born into, but the families I have become part of by gaining others, whom I love, in my life.

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I could come up with for now, while I'm waiting for 5pm to come around...

Feel free to leave some feedback.

xo

Election Day

I've been sitting at my computer for the past hour, putting off going down to the polls to vote.
I know I probably should soon since if I wait much longer, I'll be in line for 2 hours or so.
But for some reason, as excited as I am for there to be a new President, I'm terrified.
Last election, I didn't get it. I wasn't nervous about who I would vote for, nor did I think that my vote really mattered.

Let me tell you, I have never been so stressed out when it came to a political election. This is huge, I know. I feel anxious and confused and nervous! I don't want to make the wrong decision.

What if I said that I thought both candidates weren't ready and that I didn't really want either of them to be President? Would that be wrong?
To be honest, I'm usually straight republican. If I hadn't paid attention at all, I would probably just go and vote for McCain without thinking. But because of the age I am, and with the way the U.S. has been the past few years, there needs to be a change. Apparently that's Obama's slogan. It's time for change. I agree. Our country needs help and healing.

I don't agree with Obama's stance on abortion. Not in any way. But on the other hand, I'm not sure that there would be much of a difference in our country if McCain won, and that would be awful.
Apparently both candidates are Christian. Obama was not born a Christian but found God in his 20's. McCain is a Christian too. Obama is great at speaking...so great that I'm afraid he knows how to say what we all want to hear, but would he follow thru with it? But what if I vote for McCain and not take the chance on Obama but nothing changes for us?

Can you see why I'm struggling? I'm not going to let one issue (like abortion) be the deciding factor for my decision, but it does stay in the back of my mind. A friend sent me a document with direct quotes on Obama's view of Faith and God and how that plays a role in how our country is going to be run. But if he thinks that's so important, why would he say it's ok to abort a baby up to 6 months after conception and then kill it if it survived the abortion? That's NOT what God intended for His children.

My head and my heart are heavy. Maybe my one vote won't matter, but this is a big thing for me.
It's 2:20pm right now, and I still don't know who I'm voting for.

I've talked to my mom a couple times and she just kept reminding me that no matter who I vote for, or who our new President will be, we will be answering to a Higher Power. No matter who wins this election, I think it is so important to pray for our future President, whether we voted for them or not.
God has the ultimate power, and is the ultimate decision maker, so why not trust that He knows what/who is right for our country.

I am convinced that if we can all pray for our country's leader(s), then God is going to lead them into doing what's right for us.

I won't be telling many people who I'm voting for, because it doesn't really matter.

Most people have voted by now, but I would just encourage you all to pray hard before voting, and trust in God's power over all of us, including the President.

Hmm...where do I start?
I'm not sure if there are even any words to describe what my life has been like the past couple of weeks.
Joyful, upsetting, anxious, content, busy...ahhh.

I'm stressed about this election. I don't think either candidates are ready. But I agree and disagree with issues from both sides...so i'm kinda stuck. And I was thinking I was voting next week..not TOMORROW.

I have to go find some answers. I'll be back to write more later.