wow

How Great Is Our God?

I am just overwhelmed with the joy and healing that God has performed in my life just tonight!

As I sit here in my chilled room with a blanket wrapped around me, Chris Tomlin's Hello Love CD playing softly in the background, I can't help but be almost speechless at the Faithfulness of my Lord.

Proverbs 3:5-7

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart. This is something that I haven't been doing recently, and struggle with daily.

It's so easy for me to become the control-freak in my relationship with God and try to make everything go the way I want it, and my mentality becomes such that if it doesn't turn out that way, then I've failed. Do you ever feel that?

Last Sunday, Rod preached on this along with some other things that completely convicted me and made me take a step back and look at my life and the way I had been living.

Often times, I get so caught up in what MY plan for my life is, and if that doesn't work out, I have a plan B, C, D etc. to fall back on.

If only I had the constant realization that, like Rod said, if I stick to God's plan, I will always be on plan A.

After being in a very dark place the past few days, I finally fell to my knees crying out to God to come and pick me up again, because everything I was doing in my life, was selfish and worldly and was bringing me to experience this despair and turmoil which took months to overcome in the past.

He heard my cry.

Today, or should I say tonight, is the first night I felt that darkness lifted off of me, and I felt so light, like the chains of my own pride and selfishness had been broken. I was able to experience that Holy Spirit laughter that comes from deep down in your soul.

Not only that, but at Love Feast tonight, I was completely blown away by the presence of God in that large room, and after hearing story after story of how God was working in SO many people's lives, I could see some friends radiating God; friends who I had been praying for for a long time that they would experience God's love and faithfulness and His promise to be by our side and to heal the deepest, and most broken parts of ourselves.

It's unbelievable when you look back at the times in your life that you tried to make things go your way, and compare it to the time that you decided to let God take hold of your life. What an incredible difference, right? If we can see His goodness and feel His spirit within us, bringing us a happiness no one else would be able to, why is it so hard to just let Him do that all the time and make Him #1?

If I hadn't just let go and let God, who knows where I would be right now? I wouldn't be going to India, that's for sure. I would still be waking up everyday, living the mundane, repetitive life that I've become so discontent with.

The time for me to leave is coming up soon. It just feels like yesterday that I decided that this is what I needed to do with the next year of my life, when it was really almost 4 months ago.

It's really hard for me to leave so much here and then have no idea what coming back in year is going to be like for me. Although I tend to over-think things, and start to worry, God made it ever so clear to me tonight that this is exactly what He has planned for me for the time being.

I have dreams about India almost every night. I see myself running around and just falling head-over-heels in love with the kids over there.

Who ever thought that giving up everything you once deemed to be the most important in your life, would give you a feeling of fulfillment that no amount of money ever could?
I am so excited to live a simple life, with only the love of God and love of others around me being my comfort while I am so far away from everything close and familiar to me.

He has blessed me in more ways than I could ever imagine, and I am so undeserving, yet so grateful.

I will fall at Your feet
I will fall at Your feet
And I will worship You here

Blessings and Love to you all.

Apology

I've been sitting here for the last 2 hours trying to think about what to write in my paper for my Lib class tomorrow. I am clearly getting way too distracted, so I suppose all I can do is try to get out what I think is hindering me from accomplishing this.

I am stressed out. About everything.

I can feel myself falling backwards to a place that used to be so familiar to me; a place I promised myself I would never go back to. It was a time when I was so insecure with myself and lived a completely selfish life, and ultimately, ended up extremely unhappy and constantly anxious.

As most everyone knows, I'm planning on going to India for a year.
This is probably the biggest thing I've ever done in my life; meaning that more-so now than ever, I really need to trust in God that things are going to work out, and that He is going to be there to guide me through the entire journey.

But I'm not.

I've gotten so caught up in the planning aspect of it, that I haven't prayed about it at all, I haven't just let Him take hold of the reigns so this goes where He wants it to. I've become selfish in thinking that the only thing I need to go is money..when really, going to a completely different world will need SO much more than just that.

God will provide. That's what everyone tells me...and it's what I tell everyone else as well. But do I even believe what I'm saying? I think if I did, I wouldn't be experiencing the stress and anxiety that I am.

I've lost my focus so much from where I was a couple months ago. I'm letting every worldly thing distract me from where my main focus is supposed to be. I used to live, breathe, eat, sleep God.
Now I feel like I've just let go once again and have almost taken Him for granted.

Listening to Rod at church yesterday just hit me hard and deep. I am absolutely not the person I am at church when I'm at work..or when I'm with my friends. I'm almost a completely different person depending on the situations. I am extremely ashamed of this. Would strangers who just passed by, know that I'm a Christian based on how I act and treat others no matter where I am? I don't think so.
I know that this is something I need to lay down before God every single day before I do anything. Much easier said than done though, isn't it?

I just feel like this dark overwhelming shadow has come over me...and that joy that I felt is slowly fading away...and I'm not bouncing around feeling like a confident woman of God. I've lost the Holy Spirit laughter, that Emily F and I so often refer back to during our time of major transformation, the night in the prayer room while we were singing, dancing and praising God with everything in us.

I need to take a step back...

A step back from friends, from constantly being out doing things, from other people who are distracting me...and I need to breathe. And spend some time one-on-one with God. Jesus Dates as Brooke likes to call them.

Although I know I have fallen, I have seen and experienced God work so much in the most awesome ways that I know He is still waiting for me to run back to Him.

I guess this is just my declaration and my apology to those who have witnessed my fall, and even to those who haven't...I'm so sorry that the example I let off is most likely not one of someone who so desires to love the Lord with everything they have.

Whole-heartedly, I will seek Him.


1 I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you restored my health.
3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord.
You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
Praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

6 When I was prosperous, I said,
“Nothing can stop me now!”
7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!