So this is the answer I've been waiting for....

Writing has always been my outlet; the only way i can clearly express ideas with all of the passion and emotion that I'm feeling at the time. If I try to talk, often I'll be too shy or all of my words will come out in a jumbled mess.

I haven't decided yet if I am going to keep this private, or put it out for the world to see...I guess if you're reading this now, then I decided to go public. In a way, I think it would be good for people to see who I really am; for them to see what I really struggle with in life, and what I rejoice about. On the other hand, I sometimes find myself so overwhelmed and stressed out, that I just need to vent...and maybe say things or think things that I know I shouldn't. And I wouldn't want anyone to witness that.

For now, lets just say that this is an experiment. Maybe through this, I'll finally find myself and find what makes myself truly happy; instead of having to fake it all the time. Maybe I'll realize things about myself and my life that I would only realize by going back and reflecting on what I've written.

So this is what has been going on through my head for the past few weeks:
I've decided that right now...I don't know what I want. Well...I do in a way. I want to finish school, get married, and have kids. Isn't that everyone's goal when they're in their 20-somethings? But it's not that easy.

And if I know this is what I want, then why am i so dis-content? Why do I feel empty even though I have an awesome job, am going back to school and am dating the "love of my life?" I need to find answers to these questions; and fast. Because a lot of the time, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.

Maybe I need to turn to God more. Maybe He is the only one who can fill this void. It's really hard. I feel like I've turned my life around so much and am trying to live my life for Him, but I've found myself more unhappy than before. Was I just faking it? Maybe I'm really just a lost little girl who makes bad choices, and even maybe enjoys that? I don't think so though.

Maybe this is the part where I'm supposed to admit that I'm Broken, so I have nothing and no one to turn to except God.

This wasn't part of the deal. Feeling dead and empty wasn't supposed to come along with finding myself, and finding my Faith. I thought living my life for Him was supposed to be uplifting?
Can someone help?

As I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my face, I'm thinking about my life, from the time that I remember as a teeny little girl, up until this past week. Thinking about things that have happened to me that have shaped who I am, my surroundings growing up, and decisions I've made since I've become an "adult." Every minute of every day will shape you somehow.

My friend just now texted me something great and intelligent: "...[Being Broken] is a great and sucky and exciting and miserable first step." (to becoming a true child of God)

It's funny that while I was sitting here sobbing my eyes out about how I hate my life and feel like I have NOTHING, when in fact I have so much, I got a text asking me how my day was. Not just by a random friend who doesn't really care either way how it was, but by someone who truly and sincerely cares about my day, and about me. How weird. What perfect timing. I think that was God. Everything is in God's time; Not ours.

This gave me the opportunity to talk about my life and get some awesome encouragement and some really great answers and suggestions to things I've been struggling with for a long time. Wow, God.

I've learned that sometimes you feel like you have nothing, and you've hit the bottom, only to sink down into the pavement, with no way up. It's when you feel like you've lost everything, and are suffocated under the ground, when the tiniest glimpse of God's work is the greatest ray of hope. This is why God breaks you. You have to realize at some point that having Faith in God is the only thing that will get you through those times; not money, not a great bf/gf, not a nice car or good job, even not all friends could pull you out of that kind of darkness.
Maybe I've realized all of this but I just needed a little encouragement by a great friend, and to write it out so I could see it.

Let me just say that this friend, (who will remain nameless because I didn't ask if I could put in her name), is probably one of the most sincere, caring friends I have. I haven't even known her that long but she is so filled with Faith and God's love that it just radiates throughout her, to other people. After talking to her about what I've been going through, I have confidence now that this really is a good thing. That God is working through me, and although it's hard right now, in the end it will be so worth it. I am important, and I am here for a reason. My friend will never take full-credit. She'll always give the credit to God, but it takes a really special person to be able to pass on the encouragement and the Faith that I need to get through times like this.

I started writing this two hours ago, and already things seem a little bit clearer to me just by talking to my friend for a half hour; I'm starting to see that ray of hope...because I'm obviously not alone in this. And I think this was the point. God wants me to know that even when I have "nothing" left, I have everything, if I just focus on Him.

I know there are going to be so many hardships down the road. I'm going to be retreating back to this life-saving "blog" so i can vent and maybe see my triumphs happen before my eyes.
This is a good thing....
Yes. A really good thing.

And right now, that little ray of hope is all I need to get me through.
Everything else will fall into place...in God's time.


There's a good chance this didn't really make sense to anyone. I was kind of all over the place, and I've been known to think kinda crazy--so if you don't understand what I was getting at at all, then that's ok...I won't take it personally.



**I think I've decided to make this public, so feel free to keep checking back to this site. I have a feeling I'm going to be updating frequently.**