Lose Control

A lot has changed.

I went from being ok with everything, to confused and not ok, back to ok, and now I seem to be not ok once again.

It's so hard giving up control, isn't it?

I find myself staying up way too late at night trying to figure out how to fix the things broken in my life when in reality, it is God who is breaking me.
I know He is trying to tell me to stop trying to figure everything out and to trust in Him. But it's so hard. Especially when I feel like I have absolutely nothing and want to cry all day.

I've been spending more time at the boiler room. Spending more time trying to get to know others, and spending more time getting to know myself.
I learned last night that it's ok if i don't have it all together. I can cry. I can yell if I need to.
Throughout the past couple of months, I've learned what it means to have true friends. Even if I don't know them very well, I have people in my life who want nothing but happiness for me and will be there alongside of me to cheer me on every step of the way.

Talking to a couple other girls tonight, I realized that when it comes to Love and relationships, that is the hardest time to give up trying to make things work on my own. I think I know what's best for me, and no one, even God can tell me different.
I'll bet that when I think like that, God looks at me and thinks, "My child, you have SO much to learn."

I feel my heart ache everyday, convinced that I know what/who is supposed to be in my life. But I need to realize that even if I am right, it's ultimately up to God, and He will make me ready for it when He thinks I am. Not when I think I am. That is a hard pill to swallow! Sometimes I think things are getting better and I'm letting go...but then I get scared and go backwards, ultimately just making myself more unsure and stressed out.

How great would all of our lives be if we just let go and let God?
He will never fail us.

My other problem right now is my job situation. I feel like God took so much away from me for a reason, and new opportunities keep coming, but then I feel like doors are closing on them.
God just has something better in store for me that I just don't know about right now, right?
It's so hard, especially when I don't have any kind of financial means to pay bills to believe that and hold strong to that.

I've felt so depressed the past couple of weeks, sitting at my house, feeling sorry for myself.
I need things to change. I know He is just waiting for me to come to Him saying "ok..you have all of me...do what you will."
But it's SO HARD. Does anyone else feel that way?
I've always been good at telling other people to follow the Lord and to listen to Him...but I can't seem to do it myself.

I can't wait for September. September is going to be the month that my life changes drastically.

That's all I have to say for now. Nothing insightful really. Just needed to get some things out on the table.

Pray for me. That's all I ask.

xo