Apology

I've been sitting here for the last 2 hours trying to think about what to write in my paper for my Lib class tomorrow. I am clearly getting way too distracted, so I suppose all I can do is try to get out what I think is hindering me from accomplishing this.

I am stressed out. About everything.

I can feel myself falling backwards to a place that used to be so familiar to me; a place I promised myself I would never go back to. It was a time when I was so insecure with myself and lived a completely selfish life, and ultimately, ended up extremely unhappy and constantly anxious.

As most everyone knows, I'm planning on going to India for a year.
This is probably the biggest thing I've ever done in my life; meaning that more-so now than ever, I really need to trust in God that things are going to work out, and that He is going to be there to guide me through the entire journey.

But I'm not.

I've gotten so caught up in the planning aspect of it, that I haven't prayed about it at all, I haven't just let Him take hold of the reigns so this goes where He wants it to. I've become selfish in thinking that the only thing I need to go is money..when really, going to a completely different world will need SO much more than just that.

God will provide. That's what everyone tells me...and it's what I tell everyone else as well. But do I even believe what I'm saying? I think if I did, I wouldn't be experiencing the stress and anxiety that I am.

I've lost my focus so much from where I was a couple months ago. I'm letting every worldly thing distract me from where my main focus is supposed to be. I used to live, breathe, eat, sleep God.
Now I feel like I've just let go once again and have almost taken Him for granted.

Listening to Rod at church yesterday just hit me hard and deep. I am absolutely not the person I am at church when I'm at work..or when I'm with my friends. I'm almost a completely different person depending on the situations. I am extremely ashamed of this. Would strangers who just passed by, know that I'm a Christian based on how I act and treat others no matter where I am? I don't think so.
I know that this is something I need to lay down before God every single day before I do anything. Much easier said than done though, isn't it?

I just feel like this dark overwhelming shadow has come over me...and that joy that I felt is slowly fading away...and I'm not bouncing around feeling like a confident woman of God. I've lost the Holy Spirit laughter, that Emily F and I so often refer back to during our time of major transformation, the night in the prayer room while we were singing, dancing and praising God with everything in us.

I need to take a step back...

A step back from friends, from constantly being out doing things, from other people who are distracting me...and I need to breathe. And spend some time one-on-one with God. Jesus Dates as Brooke likes to call them.

Although I know I have fallen, I have seen and experienced God work so much in the most awesome ways that I know He is still waiting for me to run back to Him.

I guess this is just my declaration and my apology to those who have witnessed my fall, and even to those who haven't...I'm so sorry that the example I let off is most likely not one of someone who so desires to love the Lord with everything they have.

Whole-heartedly, I will seek Him.


1 I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you restored my health.
3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord.
You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
Praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

6 When I was prosperous, I said,
“Nothing can stop me now!”
7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!