Cold Tangerines

I'm feeling a little bit better. My mom got home from work and dragged my butt out of bed and made me go to Outback with her, my aunt and my Grandma. Steak and garlic mashed potatoes will always cheer you up!! (well, unless you're a vegetarian i suppose) Maybe it's just my hilarious Grandma that did it for me.

Anyway, I've already read this book once, but I think it's time for me to open it back up because it is such a smart book and gives good advice for your life.

The book is called: Cold Tangerines, and it's by Shauna Niequist who is the wife of Aaron Niequist, whom some of you know as the previous piano player/worship leader/song writer from Mars Hill.

Let me just share a quote that gives you an insight as to what this book is like. It's amazing and so full of life and makes me just think of things differently:

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." [SHAUNA NIEQUIST]

THIS is what I want.

Help

This is not what I asked for in my life.
I'm trying to make things better, and things are just getting worse.
I'm stuck.
And i need help.
But i have NO ONE.
I have never felt so betrayed or felt so much resentment towards people in my life.
Stop judging me and the choices I make, and just be my friend.
And love me regardless.
This is the point where I have nothing and I need to turn to God.
But I don't like giving up control of my life.
Feeling like this can't be what God had planned for me.
I refuse to let it be.
This is Hell on Earth.
Help.

What would you do if today was your last day on earth?

I already have this posted on facebook/myspace, but thought I should just add it to this page so all of my rants/raves can be together. Disregard if you've read it..or feel free to re-read it, as I occasionally find the need to to remind myself how precious life is....

"Live every day as if it were your last."

That’s a quote that probably all of us have heard, but do we really do that? I realized that in my life, the only time i used that expression is for an excuse to live a wild and fun life, doing things that I know that I really shouldn’t.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death;
Am I ready for it? Is anyone ready for it?
The thought of living this life that I have been given and then someday having it all taken away and not waking up the next day is a scary thought.

Thankfully, I am confident that if it does happen sooner than I expected, I will be greeted in a world of paradise, where I would wonder why I ever would even be scared to leave my earthly being.
Because of these thoughts however, I have decided I am going to waste no more time in my life. I don’t want to live as if there is always going to be a
tomorrow. I don’t want to be so concerned with my future, that I forget about what’s happening to me today.

My life is changing dramatically. Thanks to Crossroads Bible Church and those I've met at the Boiler Room, and even some adults at my actual home church, I’ve met some AWESOME people who only will make my life head in a more positive direction, and I will be taking a good look at who my true friends are.

And I’m not going to be mean, but if these friends aren’t really people who are good influences on me at all, or who support me in my complete life-style change, then I probably won’t be in contact as much.

I need people in my life who just encourage me constantly and maybe even strive for this for their own lives.

If people who were diagnosed with a terminal illness found out they only had a certain amount of time left in their life, I’m almost positive that they would not go to the bar and get as wasted as possible or make bad decisions using the excuse that they only have so much time left.

I think the most important things would be fulfilling their wildest dreams, and making sure they were surrounded by the people who loved them and cared for them the most and appreciating every single second of every day that they have left.

I no longer will be making "live every day as if it were your last" an excuse for making decisions that pull me farther away from the person that I hope to become.

From today until my last day here, I will be waking up with an appreciation for every breath that I’m given, and every step that I take, because THOSE are the important things in life that people seem to forget about.

I’m so excited for this change, and hopefully people will support me. This means that I won’t be going out anymore to places where people make fools of themselves and spend the entire time comparing themselves to other people, or trying to get attention from them. Because that’s the kind of person that I’ve become; superficial--spending my life wanting others to like me.

And not just that, but I won’t be living in a life where I’m so discontent and I won’t let other people’s negativity affect me.

I’m sick of living for other people, and only liking myself when other people like me, usually for the wrong reasons. I’m doing this for myself, and I know that when the day comes that I can say I found myself, and love myself because I have become the person God wanted me to be, I will experience more happiness than anyone could EVER give me.

If you had ONE day left....would you be ready?


"Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, when you face trials of MANY kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops PERSEVERANCE."

[James 1:2-3]

So this is the answer I've been waiting for....

Writing has always been my outlet; the only way i can clearly express ideas with all of the passion and emotion that I'm feeling at the time. If I try to talk, often I'll be too shy or all of my words will come out in a jumbled mess.

I haven't decided yet if I am going to keep this private, or put it out for the world to see...I guess if you're reading this now, then I decided to go public. In a way, I think it would be good for people to see who I really am; for them to see what I really struggle with in life, and what I rejoice about. On the other hand, I sometimes find myself so overwhelmed and stressed out, that I just need to vent...and maybe say things or think things that I know I shouldn't. And I wouldn't want anyone to witness that.

For now, lets just say that this is an experiment. Maybe through this, I'll finally find myself and find what makes myself truly happy; instead of having to fake it all the time. Maybe I'll realize things about myself and my life that I would only realize by going back and reflecting on what I've written.

So this is what has been going on through my head for the past few weeks:
I've decided that right now...I don't know what I want. Well...I do in a way. I want to finish school, get married, and have kids. Isn't that everyone's goal when they're in their 20-somethings? But it's not that easy.

And if I know this is what I want, then why am i so dis-content? Why do I feel empty even though I have an awesome job, am going back to school and am dating the "love of my life?" I need to find answers to these questions; and fast. Because a lot of the time, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.

Maybe I need to turn to God more. Maybe He is the only one who can fill this void. It's really hard. I feel like I've turned my life around so much and am trying to live my life for Him, but I've found myself more unhappy than before. Was I just faking it? Maybe I'm really just a lost little girl who makes bad choices, and even maybe enjoys that? I don't think so though.

Maybe this is the part where I'm supposed to admit that I'm Broken, so I have nothing and no one to turn to except God.

This wasn't part of the deal. Feeling dead and empty wasn't supposed to come along with finding myself, and finding my Faith. I thought living my life for Him was supposed to be uplifting?
Can someone help?

As I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my face, I'm thinking about my life, from the time that I remember as a teeny little girl, up until this past week. Thinking about things that have happened to me that have shaped who I am, my surroundings growing up, and decisions I've made since I've become an "adult." Every minute of every day will shape you somehow.

My friend just now texted me something great and intelligent: "...[Being Broken] is a great and sucky and exciting and miserable first step." (to becoming a true child of God)

It's funny that while I was sitting here sobbing my eyes out about how I hate my life and feel like I have NOTHING, when in fact I have so much, I got a text asking me how my day was. Not just by a random friend who doesn't really care either way how it was, but by someone who truly and sincerely cares about my day, and about me. How weird. What perfect timing. I think that was God. Everything is in God's time; Not ours.

This gave me the opportunity to talk about my life and get some awesome encouragement and some really great answers and suggestions to things I've been struggling with for a long time. Wow, God.

I've learned that sometimes you feel like you have nothing, and you've hit the bottom, only to sink down into the pavement, with no way up. It's when you feel like you've lost everything, and are suffocated under the ground, when the tiniest glimpse of God's work is the greatest ray of hope. This is why God breaks you. You have to realize at some point that having Faith in God is the only thing that will get you through those times; not money, not a great bf/gf, not a nice car or good job, even not all friends could pull you out of that kind of darkness.
Maybe I've realized all of this but I just needed a little encouragement by a great friend, and to write it out so I could see it.

Let me just say that this friend, (who will remain nameless because I didn't ask if I could put in her name), is probably one of the most sincere, caring friends I have. I haven't even known her that long but she is so filled with Faith and God's love that it just radiates throughout her, to other people. After talking to her about what I've been going through, I have confidence now that this really is a good thing. That God is working through me, and although it's hard right now, in the end it will be so worth it. I am important, and I am here for a reason. My friend will never take full-credit. She'll always give the credit to God, but it takes a really special person to be able to pass on the encouragement and the Faith that I need to get through times like this.

I started writing this two hours ago, and already things seem a little bit clearer to me just by talking to my friend for a half hour; I'm starting to see that ray of hope...because I'm obviously not alone in this. And I think this was the point. God wants me to know that even when I have "nothing" left, I have everything, if I just focus on Him.

I know there are going to be so many hardships down the road. I'm going to be retreating back to this life-saving "blog" so i can vent and maybe see my triumphs happen before my eyes.
This is a good thing....
Yes. A really good thing.

And right now, that little ray of hope is all I need to get me through.
Everything else will fall into place...in God's time.


There's a good chance this didn't really make sense to anyone. I was kind of all over the place, and I've been known to think kinda crazy--so if you don't understand what I was getting at at all, then that's ok...I won't take it personally.



**I think I've decided to make this public, so feel free to keep checking back to this site. I have a feeling I'm going to be updating frequently.**