Such is life.

God answered my call when i asked Him what I was supposed to be doing with my life...at least for now.
Although there's a long road of hard work ahead to get there, I can't wait to be giving up almost everything I have material-wise and going to a place where i have next to nothing, but yet will be gaining more than i could ever imagine by surrounding myself with the people and other disciples who love God and long for Him more than I can even fathom.

It's funny how once you decide to do what God wants instead of what you want, everything comes together..and you're presented with opportunities you would never usually think of on your own.

This is terrifying. I can't wait.

more details to come later.

Things i've realized about myself and my life.

Last night, I was able to go to coffee with an amazing friend, and sister.

I realized a few things during that time and during the past couple of weeks:

1) I need time to myself. I need some nights where I don't hang out w/anyone, just to rest, read, go to bed early, and clear my head.

2) I care so much about what others think of me. I have problems saying "no" to people when they want me to do something because I feel like they won't like me as much or will get mad if i do. This being said, I need to fear God's perception of me. Not the peoples around me. If I give into sometihng because I feel guilty, I know I'm going to feel worse in the end, so that is something I need to work on (thanks Brooke, for pointing this out for me). If I spent as much time caring about what God was thinking about me, as I do caring about what others think about me, how would that alter my life?

3) I want to get back to the point where I want God, and ONLY God in my life, meaning I want to stop thinking that I need all these earthly and material possessions. I want to wake up, and go to bed thinking about God and how I honored him or could honor Him more, and all the time in between. I want to hunger for Him, and be desperate for Him to consume me.

4) I signed up for 12 hours in the prayer room this past 24/7 prayer week. I went to probably 2 of those hours and didn't get anything out of them because my heart wasn't in it. I just ended up talking to people or zoning our completely instead of getting on my face, asking God to fulfill me once again. I no longer will make excuses or find more "important" things to be doing.

5) I need, as Brooke calls them, "Jesus dates." At least once a week, I need to devote a certain amount of tmie to spending some extremely intimate, one-on-one time with Jesus. I want to be able to immerse myself in His word and spend time having deep conversations with Him.

6) Change can sometimes be good. I need to remember that and hold onto that when I'm afraid of something different happening than i'm used to.

7) Having a hard time deciphering if I should do what God is calling me to do, as opposed to losing some small, insignificant parts of my life, is a foolish thought, and I am ashamed that I would even consider choosing worldly things over God's plan for me.

8) I'm going to fast again starting next Sunday.

9) I want to play the piano more.

10) God has brought me to a spot where He is the center of my life. I used to think I only needed others who were "ahead" of me on their journey with God, making them the only ones I sought after, leaning on them completely and only using their guidance as the way for me to get through rough times. I didn't lose them. I still have them fully there as a support, as they are forever going to be my brothers and sisters. But now I am able to truly see where the healing begins through God (thank you, Brooke, for helping me see this).

11) I LOVE coffee and coffee "dates."

12) All of the good and bad that I've experienced have been the hugest blessings to me by bringing me to the point in life that I'm at now. Although this is a great thing, I do not want to, and will not live in the past.

13) I want to become an artist of some sort (random thought, I know...but it makes sense to me).

14) Family is an amazing thing. I need to embrace it with all I have. This is not just family that I'm born into, but the families I have become part of by gaining others, whom I love, in my life.

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I could come up with for now, while I'm waiting for 5pm to come around...

Feel free to leave some feedback.

xo

Election Day

I've been sitting at my computer for the past hour, putting off going down to the polls to vote.
I know I probably should soon since if I wait much longer, I'll be in line for 2 hours or so.
But for some reason, as excited as I am for there to be a new President, I'm terrified.
Last election, I didn't get it. I wasn't nervous about who I would vote for, nor did I think that my vote really mattered.

Let me tell you, I have never been so stressed out when it came to a political election. This is huge, I know. I feel anxious and confused and nervous! I don't want to make the wrong decision.

What if I said that I thought both candidates weren't ready and that I didn't really want either of them to be President? Would that be wrong?
To be honest, I'm usually straight republican. If I hadn't paid attention at all, I would probably just go and vote for McCain without thinking. But because of the age I am, and with the way the U.S. has been the past few years, there needs to be a change. Apparently that's Obama's slogan. It's time for change. I agree. Our country needs help and healing.

I don't agree with Obama's stance on abortion. Not in any way. But on the other hand, I'm not sure that there would be much of a difference in our country if McCain won, and that would be awful.
Apparently both candidates are Christian. Obama was not born a Christian but found God in his 20's. McCain is a Christian too. Obama is great at speaking...so great that I'm afraid he knows how to say what we all want to hear, but would he follow thru with it? But what if I vote for McCain and not take the chance on Obama but nothing changes for us?

Can you see why I'm struggling? I'm not going to let one issue (like abortion) be the deciding factor for my decision, but it does stay in the back of my mind. A friend sent me a document with direct quotes on Obama's view of Faith and God and how that plays a role in how our country is going to be run. But if he thinks that's so important, why would he say it's ok to abort a baby up to 6 months after conception and then kill it if it survived the abortion? That's NOT what God intended for His children.

My head and my heart are heavy. Maybe my one vote won't matter, but this is a big thing for me.
It's 2:20pm right now, and I still don't know who I'm voting for.

I've talked to my mom a couple times and she just kept reminding me that no matter who I vote for, or who our new President will be, we will be answering to a Higher Power. No matter who wins this election, I think it is so important to pray for our future President, whether we voted for them or not.
God has the ultimate power, and is the ultimate decision maker, so why not trust that He knows what/who is right for our country.

I am convinced that if we can all pray for our country's leader(s), then God is going to lead them into doing what's right for us.

I won't be telling many people who I'm voting for, because it doesn't really matter.

Most people have voted by now, but I would just encourage you all to pray hard before voting, and trust in God's power over all of us, including the President.

Hmm...where do I start?
I'm not sure if there are even any words to describe what my life has been like the past couple of weeks.
Joyful, upsetting, anxious, content, busy...ahhh.

I'm stressed about this election. I don't think either candidates are ready. But I agree and disagree with issues from both sides...so i'm kinda stuck. And I was thinking I was voting next week..not TOMORROW.

I have to go find some answers. I'll be back to write more later.

Things suck right now. I don't even know why.
Please pray. I know I will be.

Praise Him

I wasn't able to go to IHOP this weekend with Dana and Tammy.
It's ok though. I just figured it was God's way of saying there was something else I should do this weekend. Maybe nothing profound, but I'm sure I'll find enjoyment out of whatever I do.

I don't have anything spectacular to say today.

I'm exhausted and am getting over being sick, but still am in love with the days that are set out in front of me.

Leaves are EVERYWHERE. I just want to jump in them.

Tomorrow I think a nice breakfast somewhere and maybe the Fulton St. Farmer's Market and some housecleaning sounds good.

I've gotten to a new point in my life; a point I never thought I would be able to get to again. But I have.

I can't go into specifics. I've talked to a couple people about it, but I'm just still so amazed at the power of God working in me to make me whole again.

Praise Him.

Love to you all.

nightmares

Do you ever have one of those dreams where it's so screwed up and you wake up sweating and in a panic and think that something awful is going to happen to you and everyone you know?

I just had one of those, and I can't shake it off.

Happy!!!!!!!

I am so happy.
So happy that God has come into my chaotic life and broke the chains.
So happy that I have real friendships/relationships with people...relationships that will last.
So happy that God has provided for me in more ways that I could ever imagine.
So happy that I have a God who is so faithful and will love me always until the end of my days.
So happy that I don't feel tied down to anything so that I may be free to live the life God has given me.
So happy for the new people I have met over the past couple of weeks.
So happy I have new opportunities coming my way; opportunities I could never even imagine having before.

This next weekend (thurs-sun) i'm going to IHOP in Kansas City with Dana and Tammy and possibly a couple others...this is something that I never thought would be a possibility for me or never even had the desire to go to before...but I can't wait.
I think once again God is going to reveal Himself full-force and once again my heart will be changed a little bit more.

Please pray for us.

Yay God.

I'm SO happy.

wow...

once again God proved Himself so very faithful.
After a few days of quietly struggling financially and wondering how I would pay some bills that are coming up, I finally gave up trying to find ideas and just gave it to God and prayed that He would somehow provide for me.
And He did.

David, my housemate, had gotten a couple pieces of mail for me so he gave them to me and one of the envelopes had my name and address typed out and there was no return address.

I opened it and wrapped up in a piece of paper was some money with a little paper that had "God Bless You" with a little heart typed on it.

No signature, no nothing. I have no idea who it was from or how they got my address or knew that I was in need.

So if it was you, and you're reading this, Thank You. From the bottom of my Heart.

God is so good!!!!

YES!!!

Isn't life just awesome?

Yeah...I'm pretty sure it is.

I am so blessed.

I just feel like dancing.